Attachments | The Kind That Bind and Gag
The origin of suffering is attachment. ~Buddha
Attachments are something we all form as humans. During our first days, we attach to the caregivers who feed us when hungry and satisfy our other basic needs. This is normal development; we gain trust in those individuals over time and forge lasting relationships.
If we’re fortunate enough to grow up in a loving home where our needs are met, we can expect those relationships to be healthy.
However, some attachments become problematic. This happens when we believe that happiness is only possible under certain circumstances.
Attachment suffering refers to the state of being so invested in someone or something that recovery becomes impossible after its loss.
Buddhism warns of the dangers of becoming attached to people, material things, or specific outcomes. The reason is that ‘attachment suffering’ puts us in opposition to the forces of the universe. This makes one vulnerable to negative emotions.
Losing certain people or things will lead to heartache, which in some cases, is perfectly reasonable. When a loved one dies, we feel grief, a normal response to a major loss. But if we believe that happiness is no longer possible without that person (or thing), then we have a problem. Do we give up other sources of joy that also make life worth living?
If we lose our job and feel that we’re incapable of finding a new career and being successful again, that causes a serious dilemma. How will we earn a living?
Attachment suffering refers to the state of being so invested in someone or something that recovery becomes impossible after its loss.
Another important teaching of Buddha is that change is the only constant in the universe. Change usually means the loss of something. Not only does an actual loss create dread, but simply fearing the loss causes stress.
It hasn’t happened, but it might!
Examples of Attachment Suffering
People
The ‘Perfect’ Partner - We all have an ideal person in mind when thinking about our significant other. Certainly, we have wants and needs that, hopefully, our loved ones will fulfill. But we cannot go into a relationship looking to change a person into someone they’re not. If they don’t possess the qualities we desire, don’t expect them to acquire them just because that’s what you want.
Sometimes we’re attracted to the wrong person. This could be someone with the ‘bad boy or girl' image or someone with a personality trait you’d like to have. Opposites do attract, and a shy guy might find an outgoing, party girl exciting. But is it a good match in the long term? Attaching ourselves and expectations to the wrong person can cause much stress in the relationship. ‘Wrong’ can mean different things, but whatever it is, the outcome is still unsuitable.
Material Things
We live in a world that constantly tells us how to be successful, attractive, wealthier, etc. It’s easy to get sucked into feeling ‘less than’ if you don’t achieve a luxurious lifestyle or prestigious job. When our expectations outgrow what we can reasonably be expected to accomplish, we feel like failures.
We’re encouraged to ‘fix’ whatever prevents us from having an airbrushed, supermodel appearance; hair color, botox, tummy tuck, facelift, etc.
There’s nothing wrong with having mementos from your mother; however, hanging on to ALL her belongings is an excessive attachment. Clinging to stuff you don’t need, use, or love is a type of hoarding.
Beliefs
We all have positive and negative beliefs that were learned in childhood. Some of those were challenged as we grew up and put ‘to the test.’ This enables us to see if we still believe them. Sometimes we discover it’s easier to hold onto them than question them. This is because they connect us with people who were important to us (and maybe still are.)
Assumptions
Assumptions are easier than deep thinking and considering alternative ideas, but eliminates the transparency needed to see the whole, true picture. Sometimes they’re disguised as facts. One minute we believe an assumption, and the next, we’re questioning it, depending on the topic and our world-view of it. Assumptions are easy and save us time from researching further.
Speaking of attachments…
Despite his disdain for the carrier, the resident House Panther becomes quite attached to it when visiting the veterinarian’s office. (Notice how he hunkers down at the farthest point possible.)
This is not a particularly healthy attachment, as regular checkups keep the kitty running smoothly.
Thanks for reading Life Matters…I’m glad you’re here!
Next week’s post will introduce the concept of attachment theory in psychology and the various types. We all formed one as infants, so check in to see which kind you are.
Also, please leave a comment below if you have an example to share.
Have a great week,
M/W
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
“Have you ever been a victim of attachment suffering?”
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