Empower Yourself: 3 Positive Steps to Regain Control of Your Life

Never Easy But Always Worth It

Photo: Rita Loyd

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NOTE: This post was originally published in August 2022 and contains some minor edits.

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Lying in bed many years ago and feeling the weight of all that was wrong in my life, I knew I was losing myself.

Losing to a toxic marriage with a verbally abusive alcoholic. Losing the chance for a better job because I'd never finished college. Losing opportunities because my spirit was crushed, and I'd lost faith in myself. 

It starts the moment you realize that you're not quite who you used to be. 

These words reminded me of a long period where I felt everything described in the poem below. (I found it while scrolling a while back and, intrigued by the title, decided to read it. I’m glad I did.)

At that time, I went through the motions of living on auto-pilot, putting others first, believing it was the right thing to do. Self-care wasn't in my vocabulary. I didn't realize that neglecting my own needs would eventually deplete me. And once you diminish yourself, you have nothing to offer people who depend on you, like children and aging parents.

I had to reassess my life and set new goals. Having a specific destination helped me clearly define my direction. Moving forward required courage that I didn’t know I had.

A life-altering event set me on the path back to myself. But it wasn't easy and didn't happen overnight. The transformation took years, but despite the uphill struggle, I finally got there.

If you recognize yourself in this poem, it's time to begin your journey.

Don't delay any longer. A better, happier life awaits if you're willing to make hard choices and struggle through.

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To the Women: Words to Live By is a collection of favorite poems and quotes by Donna Ashworth to inspire and motivate women. She also authored History Will Remember When the World Stopped and is a popular figure on social media. The beautiful artwork is by Rita Loyd. 

The following is an excerpt from Words to Live By:

To the woman who has lost her spark.
To the woman whose get up and go has well and truly gone.
This is for you.
This is to remind you that you don't have to be everything to everyone, every day.
You didn't sign up for that.
Remember when you used to laugh? Sing?
Throw caution to the wind?
Remember when you used to forgive yourself more quickly for not always being perfect.
You can get that back again.
You really can.
And that doesn't have to mean letting people down or walking away.
It just means being kinder to you, feeling brave enough to say no sometimes.
Being brave enough to stop sometimes.
And rest.
It starts the moment you realize that you're not quite who you used to be.
Some of that is good, some of that is not.
There are parts of you that need to be brought back.
And if anyone in your life is not okay with that… they are not your people. Your people will be glad to see that spark starting to light up again.
So, if you have been slowly fading away my friend, this is the time to start saying yes to things that bring you joy and no to things that don't.
It's really pretty simple.

Or is it?

In theory, this advice is simple and makes total sense. But putting it into practice is another story. 

Maybe you've dealt with addiction, abuse, divorce, or some other dysfunction. The kind that creates doubt about your ability to handle life's ups and downs. Because those ups and downs are consistent, you must be able to count on yourself to handle whatever comes your way.

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However, if poor choices from the past hold you prisoner in the present, then it's time for a change.

But change is never easy.

If it were, we'd be decisive and quick when making new choices, such as leaving a toxic relationship or returning to school.

So, how do you turn a negative attitude into a positive one? How do you muster the courage and learn from your mistakes so that you can transform your life? 

The following 3 steps will get you started on a new and better path:

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Self-Awareness

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates.

~Thomas Szasz

We know that beauty is only skin deep, and I believe the same applies to self-awareness. 

It's easy to do a surface assessment and see the obvious traits, such as "personable, impatient, loves animals, etc." But knowing how you acquired those particular attributes requires a closer examination.

Our families of origin largely determine our view of the world. However, other people like teachers, coaches, religious leaders, extended family, and friends also play a role.

Suppose you're fortunate enough to have a loving family and an average upbringing. In that case, chances are you'll do well with minimal problems.

But not everyone is so lucky. Some folks grow up under horrible circumstances. Their role models embody the worst of humanity, and traumatic experiences destroy the chance for a healthy, well-adjusted life. 

Humans are imperfect, and even well-intentioned parents sometimes make mistakes, which can affect our development.

Self-awareness recognizes who influenced our worldview and sees those individuals with unbiased honesty. Only then can we begin to see how that view affects our present lives.

Were we raised to believe in stereotypes or that one religion is better than all others? Did our mentors serve as good role models when it came to healthy communication and positive life choices?

I decided to do self-therapy and started by asking myself, "How did I get here?" Then, going back over my life in reverse chronological order, I was amazed by what I uncovered. 

The longer we live, the more we forget. Looking at old photos and the only diary I kept as a youngster helped to reveal some long-buried memories. Particular people and events left lasting impressions that shaped my current feelings about myself. 

It was like a eureka moment: “So, THAT'S WHY I think the way I do!”

Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash

Like a jigsaw puzzle, our lives consist of many pieces, such as people and experiences. If we're missing any of those pieces, we can't see the complete, accurate picture of who we are. 

Of course, we're constantly evolving, but understanding those early foundational beliefs and feelings is the crucial first step to truly knowing ourselves. Then, realizing the role that others played in our formation, we must learn to make the necessary adjustments to ourselves and be responsible for who and what we become. 

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese

Whether you're forgiving yourself or others, this is necessary for real personal growth. But it's tough to do, especially if you're in a bad situation.

I couldn't do the forgiveness step while living in an abusive relationship.

The constant verbal assaults and gaslighting made me doubt myself and my ability to get away. The financial restraints of not being self-supporting largely contributed to why I stayed as long as I did.

When I finally got out, my ability to think clearly began to return. (It’s amazing how you’re able to find your voice and self once you leave the chaos behind.)

I learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean his behavior is excused or that reconciliation has to occur. It takes two people to reconcile, but only one to forgive.

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

I also had to forgive myself. Understanding that we were injured by our respective childhoods and then further damaged ourselves with drugs and alcohol was a wake-up call.

Luckily for me, I never became addicted, and parenthood was my reason to stop that behavior. However, as my husband’s addiction grew worse, we (family and friends) tried to convince him to get help, but he refused.

Forgiveness is like clearing your cache; it provides an opportunity to move forward unburdened by the past.

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Let Go

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.- Albert Einstein

I won't kid you; the whole process takes time. Nine years had passed by the time I was finally able to truly let go.

Photo by Dan Gold on Unsplash

And it wasn’t just letting go of a toxic relationship. It was understanding all of the following:

• Why I ended up in an abusive situation in the first place (low self-esteem, poor choices)

• What kept me there (low self-esteem, fear)

• What I needed to change (self-image)

• How to live a healthier life (physical & mental self-care every day)

I'm not sorry it took so long; I just wish I’d begun sooner.

Regaining control of your life takes hard work and considerable time. But enjoying your life and finding peace is worth the effort, one you’ll be grateful for every. single. day!

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