Honor Thy Father | Why It's Easier For People Who Learn to Forgive

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Some of us got lucky in the birth lottery.

I was born to parents who wanted me and cared for my needs. I was never abused, neglected, or made to feel unloved. But unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky. 

We shouldn't be too quick to judge those who speak ill of their parents if they speak of them at all. There's a reason.

I don't believe anyone wants to feel that way, but their childhood experience ultimately shapes the relationship. Of course, every kid wants to be loved and cherished by their mom and dad. But for some, it never happens. For others, they're loved in all the wrong ways. And some suffer terribly at the hands of the people who are supposed to protect them.

Parenting is a tricky business. The average person goes into it with sincere intentions and the best-laid plans and still messes things up from time to time. However, we're human, and shit's gonna happen. 

I had a good father, but he was human. And shit did happen. I'm not one of those daughters who let starry-eyed devotion cloud my honest judgment. 

My parents had a different approach to child-rearing back in the 60s, especially my Dad. It was more tough love and less "let's discuss this."

For example, I developed a stutter at about the age of four, and my Dad would scold me. I think he believed I was doing it on purpose. Maybe for attention. Mom told him that reprimanding me would only make it worse. 

Around the same age, I became terrified of thunderstorms, specifically lightning. One time we were on vacation and dining in a nice restaurant, our table next to large windows. A storm was brewing, and eventually, lightning began to flash. I closed my eyes tightly, slid down in my seat, and kept sliding until I reached the floor. Dad became quite angry, telling me to get back in my chair. However, instead of recognizing my behavior as abject terror, he saw it as being disrespectful in front of the other diners.

He was a young father, a product of his own environment, and still learning the ropes. He got better with practice. But, while fearful of his wrath, I also knew he had my back. If the monster under the bed ever materialized, he'd be the one I would run to. He showed us love in many ways. We had a decent home, good food, nice clothes, and a vacation every summer. Our holidays were bountiful, and Dad treated us often to many "extras." He was an affectionate man who demonstrated his devotion daily.

However, years later we discovered that he was having an affair and my parents separated. It wreaked havoc on all of us, in different ways. I had just started my first year of college, but only lasted two semesters. The pain I felt was overwhelming. Booze and drugs helped numb that pain and most of my other emotions along with it. I made pretty bad choices for the next few years, until finding out that I was going to be a parent myself.

My folks eventually reconciled. After that Mom revealed some things that likely contributed to Dad’s fall from grace. I began to realize how much his own upbringing and feelings of rejection had negatively affected his life. As a result, I learned much about him that I probably wouldn't have known otherwise. And this gave me the strength to forgive his transgressions as well as my own. 

It's easy to honor one's parents when there is a balance between the love they gave and the mistakes they made. Parents aren’t perfect, they’re human. I know this first-hand.

Some offenses are so terrible that they cannot be forgiven easily, if at all. But, forgiveness in those cases is about letting go and finding the freedom to finally live in peace. Every child who was beaten, molested, and forgotten deserves that peace.

We went on to have decades of wonderful times together. My parents became grandparents and relished the role. It gave them great joy to watch my children grow up.

Dad’s been gone seven years, but I think of him with love and gratitude. It's not the blunders I remember but the happy memories that his hard work and devotion made possible. And that’s a winning ticket for sure!