Let's face it; relationships are tough.
While some are definitely harder than others, they all challenge us at times. Even the best ones. This is why we should give thoughtful consideration when entering into new ones.
Some are chosen for us: family, teachers, coworkers, and Uber drivers. Sometimes we get lucky. Our parents and coworkers are wonderful people, and the teacher is inspiring. But, sometimes, our luck runs out. The Uber driver is a disgruntled ex-husband, who rambles incessantly about alimony, working three jobs, and his bad luck at the blackjack table. Suddenly, a twenty-minute ride to the airport feels like an eternity.
Thankfully, we do have control over other relationships: friends, lovers, and Facebook followers, to name a few. When chosen wisely, we can build positive, supportive networks that enrich our lives. However, poor judgment often results in ghosting, unfollowing, and other awkward situations.
But, awkwardness is easy when compared to escaping truly toxic relationships. These can wreak havoc on a person's life and are not as simple to get out of. This is why we should choose wisely. Before making new connections, it's helpful to learn about the person's background and what worldview they bring to the party. Their mindset about life's most essential issues indicates what that "party" may look like.
Worldview
Worldview is a person's belief system about four core areas:
Attitude/Perspective - describes their approach to things, such as whether they're optimistic versus pessimistic.
Ideology/Doctrine - defines their values concerning economics and politics.
Philosophy - addresses fundamental questions of life and the universe.
Religion - encompasses beliefs and practices related to spiritual matters.
The individual interpretation of these areas reflects their personality and behavior patterns.
One's belief system begins to form during early childhood. Children are raised according to their parent's or caretakers' own worldview. They have no choice or input over where they live or go to school, how many siblings they have, whether they attend church, or which political views they're indoctrinated with.
Years later, they're exposed to different ideas and opinions, often in direct conflict with their own. Some people seek further understanding and change their positions according to what they feel is right. Others reject thinking contrary to theirs and remain bonded to what they've been taught.
This unwillingness to see another perspective is problematic. We should be wary of those who refuse to listen to and consider other points of view. Rigid thinking keeps people stuck in old patterns and prevents the growth necessary to thrive in relationships.
Because relationships form the foundation of our mental and emotional health, we shouldn't make snap judgments about a new acquaintance. Instead, we're all on our best behavior with people we don't know well and only reveal our true selves to those we're closest to.
Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers. ~Mary Tyler Moore
Fortunately, there are warning signs to watch out for.
Unhealthy Behavior
Most toxic people exhibit specific characteristics. Controlling behavior is a big one. They dictate how other people should live their lives.
For example, how they dress, their friends, how to manage their careers, etc. Sometimes it's unintentional, but if done consistently and on purpose, it's for purely manipulative reasons.
Sometimes it may be for a good cause, like the other person's health. Suggesting to a loved one that they should quit smoking isn't necessarily being a control freak. However, badgering them daily about their habit probably won't persuade them to stop and will strain the relationship. Being controlled by someone, whether through bad habits or constant nagging, robs us of our truth and freedom.
Passive-aggressive behavior is also destructive, consisting of negative emotions. It's expressed in subtle ways meant to coerce another person's conduct. Passive-aggressive people hide their true feelings and refuse to discuss whatever bothers them. Rather than solving problems through honest communication, they deny their anger. Controlling people often use this tactic.
Overtly or covertly diminishing someone's personality is another red flag. Beware of anyone who uses character assassination to put others down. Watch how they treat people in subordinate positions, like the server or cashier. People who respect themselves treat others the same way, regardless of who they are.
Accountability is a hallmark of healthy people. They own their mistakes and recognize that being human means, we all mess up at times. Justifying bad behavior by blaming others (i.e., "look at what you made me do") is a copout. Nobody's perfect, and the ability to laugh at oneself is admirable!
Likewise, negativity can ruin friendships. It slowly chips away at an otherwise decent relationship. No one enjoys being with people who constantly see the dark side. When life rains on our parade, it's helpful to have a tribe remind us that the sun will shine again.
Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships begin with honesty and mutual respect. We don't have to agree on every issue, but respecting another's thoughts and opinions is crucial.
It's also essential to consider their feelings, even if we don't understand their motivation. Life experiences shape our feelings, and those can vary significantly from person to person. A casual remark, made in jest, might stir a painful memory. That's the time to be transparent and explain why it's hurtful. Educating others through honesty helps them understand better.
Growth equals success in any relationship. Learning what works and what doesn't and committing to positive change helps cultivate a healthy environment. People who encourage and support each other enjoy greater satisfaction. Those who don't will struggle to get along. Think of that coworker who isn't a team player. They won't step outside their job description to help anybody else.
Values like integrity, compassion, and accountability can't be compromised without selling out who we are as people. Honoring those values makes us happier and more fulfilled. We should never lower our standards for anyone. People who share the same values have rewarding partnerships compared to those who don't.
Another component of a healthy relationship is goals. Do you want the same things in life? Whether having children or starting your own business, a shared vision provides the incentive necessary to work together. Of course, flexibility should exist wherever compromise is possible, but having eyes on the same prize dramatically helps. It keeps us focused and moving in the same primary direction.
All relationships add some meaning to our lives. They provide a sense of purpose by being a part of something larger than ourselves. They also offer emotional and social support to fight stress. Think of the worst moments you've suffered and how they were made bearable by the compassion of another person.
Despite our best efforts, we are human and will fail on occasion. Acceptance of this fact and the ability to forgive - ourselves and others - allows us to develop as individuals.
During good times the shared camaraderie brings us happiness. We have others to celebrate life's many joys. During hard times they're a network that will sustain and care for us.
However, relationships are a two-way street. Each person has a responsibility to themselves and the other person. Therefore, before investing our time and emotions, we should carefully weigh the potential return on investment. And are we prepared to offer what they need from us? Conversely, will they provide what we need from them?
Some connections are casual, while others are more permanent. Knowing a person in-depth is essential when deciding whether to move forward with a relationship and if it will stand the test of time.
Be smart and choose wisely.
A FEW ITEMS:
Due to some tweaking of my schedule, Life Matters will drop by your inbox on Tuesdays AM instead of Wednesday.
Included below is a music video & lyrics that align with today’s topic. I’ll do that with each post and hopefully broaden my playlist (and possibly yours?)
There’s also a photo of my cat, whom I rescued from the mean streets of our city (despite his loud protestations.) He’s a spoiled house panther who enjoys a good box.
I’ve wanted to do a Gratitude Journal for a while now and decided to make Thankful Thursday my weekly thoughts on something that I’m grateful for. It may be super important things or mundane, silly stuff and will predictably show up on Thursday (hence the name!)
That’s it for now. Check out the content below, and I hope to see ya next time!
Photo by kaleb tapp on Unsplash
FIND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE - LYRICS
Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Get yourself in a bind, lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn't know
This is where the truth don't lie
You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who you're friends are
Everybody wants to slap your back
Wants to shake your hand
When you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
And see who's around then
This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off
You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'
They just show on up with that big old heart
You find out who you're friends are
When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there?
You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who you're friends are, you find out who your friends are.
The resident house panther is always happy to welcome the Firstleaf delivery!
`
How To Decide If Relationships Are Really Worth the Agony