How to Make Positive Changes and Regain Control of Your Life
While scrolling recently, I came across the following poem and, intrigued by the title, decided to read it. I’m glad I did. The words reminded me of a long period where I felt everything they described. Particularly the line that reads:
It starts the moment you realize that you're not quite who you used to be.
Lying in bed many years ago and feeling the weight of all that was wrong in my life, I knew I was losing myself. Losing to a toxic marriage with an abusive alcoholic. Losing the chance for a better job because I'd never finished college. Losing opportunities because my spirit was crushed, and I'd lost faith in myself.
I went through the motions of living on auto-pilot, putting others first, believing it was the right thing to do. Self-care wasn't in my vocabulary. I didn't realize that neglecting my own needs would eventually deplete me. And once you diminish yourself, you have nothing to offer other people.
A life-changing event set me on the path back to myself. But, it wasn't easy and didn't happen overnight. Despite that uphill struggle, I finally got there. I had to reassess my life and set new goals. Having a specific destination helped to clearly define what direction to take.
If you recognize yourself in this poem, it's time to begin your journey. Don't delay any longer. A better, happier life awaits if you're willing to make hard choices and struggle through. Better to work towards something positive than remain stuck in a bad situation.
To the Women: Words to Live By is a collection of favorite poems and quotes by Donna Ashworth to inspire and motivate women. She also authored History Will Remember When the World Stopped and is a popular figure on social media. The beautiful artwork is by Rita Loyd.
The following is an excerpt from Words to Live By:
To the woman who has lost her spark. To the woman whose get up and go has well and truly gone. This is for you. This is to remind you that you don't have to be everything to everyone, every day. You didn't sign up for that. Remember when you used to laugh? Sing? Throw caution to the wind? Remember when you used to forgive yourself more quickly for not always being perfect. You can get that back again. You really can. And that doesn't have to mean letting people down or walking away. It just means being kinder to you, feeling brave enough to say no sometimes. Being brave enough to stop sometimes. And rest. It starts the moment you realize that you're not quite who you used to be. Some of that is good, some of that is not. There are parts of you that need to be brought back. And if anyone in your life is not okay with that… they are not your people. Your people will be glad to see that spark starting to light up again. So, if you have been slowly fading away my friend, this is the time to start saying yes to things that bring you joy and no to things that don't. It's really pretty simple.
Or is it?
In theory, this advice is simple and makes total sense. But, putting it into practice is another story.
Maybe you've dealt with addiction, abuse, divorce, or some other dysfunction. The kind that creates doubt about your ability to handle life's ups and downs.
And those ups and downs are consistent. Therefore, you must be able to count on yourself - not others - to handle whatever comes your way.
However, if poor choices from the past hold you prisoner in the present, then it's time for a change.
But change is never easy. If it were, we'd be decisive and courageous when making new choices, such as leaving a toxic relationship or returning to school.
So, how do you turn a negative attitude into a positive one? How do you muster the bravery and learn from your mistakes so that you can transform your life?
The following 3 steps worked for me and may help you, as well:
Self Awareness
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz
We know that beauty is only skin deep, and I believe the same applies to self-awareness.
It's easy to do a surface assessment and see the apparent traits like "personable, impatient, loves animals, etc." But, knowing how you acquired those particular attributes requires a closer examination.
Our families of origin largely determine our view of the world. However, other people like teachers, coaches, religious leaders, extended family, and friends also play a role.
Suppose you're fortunate enough to have a loving family and an average upbringing. In that case, chances are you'll do well with minimal problems.
But, not everyone is so lucky. Some folks grow up under horrible circumstances. Their role models embody the worst of humanity, and traumatic experiences destroy the chance for a healthy, well-adjusted life.
Self-awareness recognizes who influenced our worldview and sees those individuals with unbiased honesty. Only then can we begin to see how that view affects our present lives.
Were we raised to believe in stereotypes or that one religion is better than all others. Did our mentors present a fair perspective of cultures different from our own?
I decided to do self-therapy and started by asking myself, "How did I get here?" Then, going in reverse chronological order, I went back over my life and was amazed by what I uncovered.
The longer we live, the more we forget. However, looking at old photos and journals helped to reveal some long-buried memories. In addition, particular people and events have left lasting impressions that shaped my current feelings.
It was like a eureka moment: So, THAT'S WHY I think the way I do!
Like a jigsaw puzzle, our lives consist of many pieces in the form of people and experiences. If we're missing any of those pieces, we can't see the complete, accurate picture of who we are.
Of course, we're constantly evolving, but understanding those early foundational beliefs and feelings is the crucial first step to truly knowing ourselves. Then, realizing the role that others played in our formation, we must learn to create our own selves and be responsible for who and what we become.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese
Whether you're forgiving yourself or others, this is necessary for real personal growth. But it's tough to do, especially if you're in a bad situation.
I couldn't do the forgiveness step while living in an abusive relationship. The constant verbal assaults made me doubt myself and my ability to get away.
That's why you must be willing to ask for help. Whether a family member, therapist, clergyman, or social service agency, you must publicly acknowledge your situation and open yourself up to the kindness of others. I spent so much time trying to hide our dysfunction that I forgot how empowering compassion and encouragement from others could be.
Support is out there if you're willing to be vulnerable and ask for it.
Let Go
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.- Albert Einstein
Letting go is the last step but only possible after completing the first two.
I won't kid you; this process takes time. For me, it took about nine years. But, I'm not sorry that it took so long. I'm sorry that I didn't begin sooner.
The self-awareness step enabled forgiveness, allowing me to move on, free of my past.
Free of the people who convinced me that I wasn't worthy of anything better. Free of the insecurity that kept me hostage for so long. It often comes down to the choices we make. If we choose to allow others to do our thinking for us, we become their prisoner.
Like the Eagles sing in their hit song Already Gone: Well, I know it wasn't you who held me down Heaven knows it wasn't you who set me free So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains And we never even know we have the key.
While the lyrics from this song don’t align exactly, those four simple lines above describe my experience and how I almost missed my chance for happiness. Don’t miss yours!
xoxo