Letting Go: Why It's So Hard, But Necessary to Create a Successful Life
Letting go doesn’t mean you give up. It means you keep going but you’re not attached to the outcome. Maxime Lagacé
I’ve always had a tough time letting go of things. Whether it was a specific item, idea, or expectation, I wanted to hold on forever.
We had a tree in our front yard that I loved to hang out in. There was a particular branch that I’d climb to and sit on for long spells. It fit me perfectly, like a lounge chair, but not as soft. During the summers, when the leaves were thick, it provided a hidden alcove unseen from the ground below. It served as my go-to spot when I wanted to be alone and think. Sometimes I’d read Nancy Drew mysteries or write in my diary up there on the arm of my ‘friend.’ Yes, I considered the tree a friend and would have silent (one-sided) conversations with it.
But, like so many childhood things, I eventually stopped climbing trees. It continued to grow, providing comforting shade in the summer and a carpet of colorful leaves in the fall. I had to pass it every time I left or came home. Sometimes I’d look up at it, remembering the times I’d spent there with a feeling of nostalgia. But I’d grown older, and climbing trees was replaced with school activities, a part-time job, and boys.
At some point, the roots began to wreak havoc on the main water line running from the street to our house. When the rain would downpour, it caused backed-up water that flooded our yard. There was no other alternative; it had to be cut down.
I was shocked when Mom told me. The tree had always been there, and I couldn’t imagine that it would soon be gone. Even though it no longer served any real purpose for me (I hadn’t climbed it in years), the thought of it no longer existing was devastating.
When the day of the ‘removal’ came, I had to leave the house. I don’t recall where I went, but there was no way I could witness my beloved friend being torn apart, literally limb by limb. I didn’t come home until it was over. All that remained was a slight mound where the tree had stood and a yard littered with sawdust.
I mourned that tree for a long time, unsure as to why it bothered me so much.
Fear of Change
Changes, whether large or small, usually create discomfort of some sort. I have a favorite dish at my favorite restaurant that I tend to order most of the time. I know the quality of ALL the foods is excellent, so why am I reluctant to try something new?
Most likely because I can’t be 100% sure that I’m going to enjoy another selection as much as my preferred entree. Oh, I know I’ll like other options because the chef is a master at anything he creates. So, finally, I mustered the ‘courage’ and began to try other items. And just as suspected, I haven’t been disappointed!
Change means letting go of what’s familiar and satisfying. That means we have to free ourselves from certain aspects of our past (yes, I always order the chicken francaise, and it is always delicious.) Holding onto what’s known versus being afraid to take a risk on the unknown is a human trait. Research shows this resistance to change demonstrates that we’ll tolerate certain levels of discomfort (ordering the same thing all the time) before taking a chance on something new.
Now that example is pretty mundane and minor. So consider how fearful we become when facing potential BIG changes. When I finally left a broken marriage after two decades, it was nothing short of terrifying. The amount of anxiety is proportional to the situation.
Low Self-Worth
Low self-esteem causes many people to opt out of trying new things or challenging themselves in different ways. We continue to do what we know the best, where there’s no chance of failure.
Letting go of things that don’t help us grow opens up space for the things that do. Only by focusing our energy and attention on a desired goal are we able to develop that goal. When our mind is cluttered with negativity and feelings of insecurity, it’s impossible to muster the wherewithal to embrace a new skill.
Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. ~John Wooden
Too often, we hold ourselves back because of fear and doubt. This is why it’s important to surround ourselves with positive-minded people who believe in us. If our low self-esteem is due to a toxic situation, then we must get out of that environment. Sometimes it’s necessary to seek outside help, either a therapist, clergyperson, or trusted friend.
Nobody ‘makes it’ on their own. Everyone is helped in some way. We must be willing to do whatever it takes to succeed in loving ourselves. Sometimes that means letting go.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
“Have you ever let go of something that improved your life?”
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Interesting. I'd always thought that dislike of change was because familiarity was comfort, solidity, safety - a really nice feeling that people the world over crave.
For me, familiarity is also connected deeply with memory and memories are the background fabrics of our lives.
I certainly didn't associate it with low self-esteem. For some it might be, I agree, but generally dislike of change might be the desire to hold on to things that really matter - social, cultural, environmental, familial and more. All really important things in a person's life.
Such a great read - I lost count of the number of times I ‘yesssssssssssssssed’ things! Have saved this post to mull over again. Thank you so much, Ms W!