Understanding Anger
It's Often a Disguise For Things Hiding Underneath
I’ve always been fascinated by human psychology and the emotions stemming from our past and present experiences.
Our feelings are vast and varied, whether we are celebrating the birth of a newborn, grieving the loss of a beloved pet, or angered by betrayal.
Another intriguing aspect is how we convey our emotions, specifically anger. Some individuals are pretty expressive and easily triggered, while others remain stoic, their poker faces belying nothing.
Many people in our country are angry right now. I think it’s useful to explore this emotion, which ranges from slight irritation to intense rage and every shade of grey in between.
Why?
We all experience anger at times, and understanding the reasons behind this emotion and how to manage it enables us to act more responsibly (and civilly), both as individuals and as a society.
What Is Anger?
We think of anger as an emotion, but it’s also a physiological reaction to perceived threats. The “fight or flight” response is the human body’s way of protecting itself from danger.
We’re all familiar with the physical effects, which include increased blood pressure, pulse, heart rate, breathing, and stress hormones. These responses sharpen our senses and provide the added energy needed to thwart a potential attack (think running as fast as you can from a bear!)
We typically view this emotion negatively, but in certain instances, it’s helpful (see the bear example above.)
Anger is a red flag that encourages us to avoid harmful people and situations, providing the potential for staying healthy, safe, and happy.
In my own life, anger fueled my escape from a disastrous relationship and a toxic workplace. I’m tolerant, so it took me a long time to free myself from these situations. My codependency only added to my so-called “patience,” but I finally understood that nothing would change unless I did.
Where Does Anger Come From?
All emotions, including anger, come from the limbic system within the brain. This network processes and regulates emotions through sensory information, triggering the above physiological responses.
The main structures of the limbic system consist of the:
Amygdala - Processes emotions, especially fear
Hippocampus - Plays a key role in learning and memory
Hypothalamus - Controls body temperature, hunger, and thirst
How Do We Express Anger?
Whenever we feel threatened, whether emotionally, physically, sexually, or in some other way, our contempt is provoked. But frustration, sadness, letdown, and fear are often underneath the hostile feelings.
Anger can also be linked to long-held feelings associated with bullying, trauma, neglect, abuse, rejection, discrimination, or other struggles that may date back to childhood.
A sense of powerlessness is at the heart of our anger.
When your blood pressure rises, ask yourself what is causing the rage. The feelings may be overblown. That driver who cut you off may be inconsiderate or have a pregnant woman in the car who is ready to deliver.
On the other hand, if the emotions are the result of years of trauma, then those feelings are justified. However, managing them is crucial to healing from past offenses and preventing problems in the future.
I allowed myself to be a victim of verbal and emotional abuse. The constant put-downs and gaslighting fed my feelings of incompetence.
“Why not just walk away?” people ask.
It’s difficult to convey how beaten down a person can become when exposed to constant ridicule. That’s a powerful emotional component at work, plus simple economics. Without a degree or skills, we’re limited to low-paying jobs that can’t support a family.
Looking back now with the benefit of time and wisdom, I was always angry. At him, but mainly at myself for not seeing the warning signs of impending addiction and all the problems that come with it.
The sense of powerlessness kept me paralyzed and believing there was no way out, essentially giving him control over me.
The 5 Stages of Anger
Trigger: An event that starts the anger cycle
Escalation: Annoyance builds and turns into frustration
Crisis: Frustration builds and turns into hostility
Recovery: The person begins to recover from the anger
Depression: The person may feel depressed after the anger
This is the cycle that anger typically follows, although I can honestly say that I didn’t experience much depression after I left the relationship. Sure, now and then, I’d feel a bit down, but overall, my joy and relief were the prevailing emotions during my recovery.
How To Manage Anger
Over time, uncontrolled anger can pose a threat to your mental and physical health. Here are some ways to get it in check and learn to manage it better:
Think before you speak - Count to 10.
Express your feelings - Once calm, be clear and assertive without being confrontational.
Timeouts are also for grownups - During stressful periods, take a moment to breathe deeply, meditate, exercise, write out your feelings, or repeat a calming affirmation.
Focus on solutions - Instead of what made you mad.
Use “I” statements - Blaming and criticizing others (“you,” “you,” “you”) will increase tensions.
Forgiveness - Holding a grudge benefits no one, including you. Forgiving doesn’t excuse bad behavior but releases you from its control.
Seek professional help - if you can’t handle it on your own.
Managing anger appropriately is a sign of maturity.
Back then, my anger about my circumstances masked the feelings of inadequacy and fear of being stuck. After significant self-reflection and study, I recognized that I could only achieve self-determination by making essential changes. It was up to me to make it happen.
Getting angry is a fact of life. Not everything goes our way. Businesses fail, partners cheat, and drivers sometimes cut us off. Whether it’s a significant issue or a minor one, sh*t happens.
However, unless you’re running from a bear, anger has the potential to grow into much more serious problems.
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the fear and sadness that may be hiding underneath. Your mind and body will thank you!
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Sometimes I think we could all benefit from a course on emotional intelligence. Thanks for this overview on anger.
Thanks for sharing. 🫶🏻 I’m glad things changed for the better for both of us. I certainly relate to being emotionally abused yet staying! 🙈😭