3 Surefire Ways to Turn Depressing Defeat into Triumphant Success

Sep 27, 2022

Merry-go-round in motion with blurred lights. — Credit: Life Matters Newsletter

You always pass failure on your way to success. ~Mickey Rooney

Who among us hasn't dealt with failure? No one, that's who.

We've all felt the sting of losing or not accomplishing a goal we set for ourselves. We also enjoy successes along the way, but the road to achievement is often filled with more failed attempts than successful ones.

I thought about this while contemplating some new goals for the final months of 2022 (sort of a practice run for 2023.)

When it comes to New Year's resolutions, I always start with great enthusiasm, only to feel it waning a few months in. I've often wondered why that initial eagerness disappears so quickly. After 50+ years of resolutions, I’m embarrassed to say how many attempts I’ve made, only to fail time and time again.

I’ve come to believe it's because of my attitude regarding failure. I see it as a one-and-done chance to get it right. So, for example, if I succumb to that first cookie, I might as well have a few more because I've already screwed up my efforts for the day. Or, if it’s not a full-size candy bar, why not have several? I’ll have to start again tomorrow anyway, so I might as well go for the full monty!

Laptop on desk with three empty wrappers of fun-size Reese's peanut butter Halloween figures. — But they’re so small…

Wrong.

Not everyone sees failure as a negative or a one-shot opportunity to accomplish something. For example, during a June 2008 commencement speech at Harvard, J.K. Rowling talks about the "fringe benefits" of failing. In this insightful TED Talk, she describes hitting the lowest point in her life and career:

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

Rowling points out that we all decide for ourselves what constitutes failure. For example, some people see falling short of a goal as an ultimate defeat. (Hi, have we met?)

In contrast, others view it as a challenge to overcome.

When we attain things too easily, there's not much personal investment, be it time, energy, or hard work. However, losing at something usually involves humiliation, rejection, or other painful emotions.

One thing is sure: while we take effortless rewards for granted, we don't easily forget those negative feelings surrounding failure. As a result, the hard lessons learned from experience are scorched in our memory. It then becomes an effective means of learning how to do better.

Well, for most people, anyway…

Meme of Insurrectionists flowing from Trump's mouth into the Capitol.

Turning Failure to Success: 3 Steps

1. Acknowledge Your Humanity

No one is perfect or leads an ideal life; we often forget this.

Our society and media bombard us daily with news of athletes, entertainers, models, overnight millionaires, etc., that appear to be somewhat super-human. So, when we compare ourselves to them, it's easy to feel like a mere mortal (which we are, btw.)

Unless we research these peoples' backstories, we may never hear of their struggles with failure and the attendant heartaches.

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. ~Alexander Pope

Perfection is a myth.

My personal Instagram is full of lovely photos, some of which tell a story but not the whole story. For example, on a flight to visit family, I took a gorgeous nighttime picture of the Florida coastline. First, the dark Atlantic butted up against the beach, then the city's lights with the sky full of magnificent clouds silhouetted against the lighter, starry sky. So peaceful you'd never know an hour prior, the plane was rocking with turbulence, causing passengers' outcries and retrieving the barf bags for some.

Another great shot displays the fluid art projects that my daughter and I made, along with the colorful classroom we produced them in. Little did I know that while we were creating and having fun, my brother-in-law suffered a fatal heart attack. He was 63, my favorite, one of the greatest humans I’ve ever known.

I don't see the photo in quite the same way now.

Fluid art studio with two finished projects. — Credit: Life Matters Newsletter

Unrealistic expectations make us fall short, which is why setting achievable goals is essential. It might require many attempts, and that’s okay. This is where self-compassion comes in. Just as we generously encourage others to keep trying, we must do it for ourselves.

However, it's not to be confused with the 'never-quit' mentality I wrote about in a previous post. Instead, we must have reasonable objectives and limits to how long we continue on a path that doesn't move us forward.

2. Recognize the Challenge

View it as an ‘uncomfortable’ opportunity and a challenge to overcome.

No, failure doesn't feel good, but it has value. First, it allows us to see what doesn't work so we don't repeat the mistake. This enables us to try other options and make necessary changes to get on the right track.

It also helps to identify any irrational beliefs we might have about our abilities: "I'll never get it," or "People will think less of me if I can't accomplish it." This mindset prevents us from even trying. And that limits what we learn and experience in life.

This happened to me in high school. I tried out for the Dance Line against my better judgment. I didn’t make the cheerleading squad the year before and only took a few dance lessons as a child. I went into the tryouts expecting to fail, and I did. It came down to one other girl and me for the last spot. I choked from an extremely bad case of nerves. I often wonder how it might have turned out had I expected to succeed.

Another helpful thing is remembering when we fell short but overcame the problem. This is a confidence booster and provides an incentive for future attempts.

3. Set Realistic Goals

A small success is better than no success.

Rather than trying to lose 25 lbs. make it 10. Instead of exercising an hour each day, do 30 minutes. You'll feel empowered to raise the bar as each goal is reached.

A plan, on paper or an app, organizes thoughts into a coherent list of how to accomplish goals. Whether counting calories, carbs, or steps, visuals help commit ideas to long-term memory and assist in reaching a goal.

We must take responsibility for any failures that do arise. Blaming others and/or unfortunate circumstances won't help the situation. But, conversely, we shouldn't unnecessarily blame ourselves, either. Instead, be accountable when and where it's appropriate.

Don't dwell on mistakes. If you fall victim to cheesecake or life prevents your session at the gym, get back on the wagon asap. Losing a day or two doesn't mean defeat; it's a temporary delay towards a permanent goal.

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. ~John Powell

I believe failure is a stepping-stone to the best kind of success, the kind that's earned. Unlike the benefits of inherited wealth and unwarranted advantages, climbing the ladder of success builds character and provides valuable life experiences.

And slipping on a rung or two on the way up is a normal part of the process, so don’t worry, and just keep going!

INCLUDED BELOW:

‘Bad Day’ music video + lyrics by Canadian singer-songwriter Daniel Powter - is about the ongoing struggle between success and failure. I remember it played a lot on the radio back in the day, and you probably will, too. (Released in 2005.)
The resident House Panther checks in.
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As always, thanks for spending time with me…hope to see you next week.