3 Surefire Ways to Turn Depressing Defeat into Triumphant Success

Credit: Life Matters Newsletter

(NOTE: This is a repost of an article published in September 2022, with minor edits.)

You always pass failure on your way to success. ~Mickey Rooney

Who among us doesn't deal with failure from time to time?

No one, that's who.

We've all felt the sting of losing or not accomplishing a goal we set for ourselves. Sure, we also enjoy successes, but the road to achievement is often filled with more failed attempts than successful ones.

I thought about this while contemplating some new goals for the final months of 2022 (sort of a practice run for 2023.)

When it comes to New Year's resolutions, I always start with great enthusiasm, only to feel it waning a few months in. I've often wondered why that initial enthusiasm disappears so quickly.

Well, it's because of my attitude regarding failure. I see it as fatal, as in final. So, for example, if I succumb to that first Reese’s Peanut Butter Ghost, I might as well have a few more because I've already screwed up my efforts for the day. And now I have to start all over again tomorrow.

But they’re so SMALL!

Wrong.

Not everyone sees failure as a negative. For example, during a June 2008 commencement speech at Harvard, J.K. Rowling discusses the fringe benefits of failure. In this insightful TED Talk, she describes hitting the lowest point in her life and career:

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

Rowling points out that we all decide for ourselves what constitutes failure. For example, some people see falling short of a goal as an ultimate defeat. (Hi, have we met?)

In contrast, others view it as a challenge to overcome.

When we attain things too easily, there's little personal investment, be it time, energy, or hard work.

However, losing involves humiliation, rejection, or other painful emotions. Still, one thing is sure: we don't forget those feelings. As a result, the hard lessons learned from experience are scorched in our memory. It then becomes an effective means of learning. (Of course, there are always exceptions.)

There's a lot of advice about how to turn failure into success. So, I distilled them down to three simple steps:

1.) Acknowledge your humanity

We often forget that no one is perfect or leads an ideal life.

Our society and media bombard us daily with news of athletes, entertainers, models, overnight millionaires, etc., who appear to be superhuman. So, when we compare ourselves to them, it's easy to feel like a mere mortal (which we are, by the way!)

We must research these peoples' backstories to hear of their struggles with failure or heartache.

My personal Instagram is full of lovely photos that tell a story but only part of the story. For example, I took a gorgeous nighttime picture of the Florida coastline on a flight to visit family. On the left side of the photo was the dark Atlantic butted up against the beach with a sky full of beautiful clouds and stars.

On the right side were the city's lights, as far as the eye could see. It was so peaceful that you'd never know that an hour prior, the plane was rocking and rolling with turbulence.  

Another great shot displays the fluid art projects my daughter and I made and the colorful classroom in which we produced them. Little did I know that while we were creating and having fun, my beloved brother-in-law suffered a fatal heart attack. He was 63 and one of the most incredible men I’ve ever known.

I don't see this photo in quite the same way now.  

Unrealistic expectations make us fall short, so setting achievable goals is essential. And it might require many attempts. This is where self-compassion comes in. Just as we generously encourage our children and others to keep trying, we must do it for ourselves.

However, it's different from the 'never-quit' mentality I wrote about in a previous post.

Instead, we must have reasonable objectives and limits to how long we continue on a path that doesn't move us forward.

2.) Recognize the challenge

View it as an "uncomfortable" opportunity or a challenge to overcome.

No, failure doesn't feel good, but it has value. First, it allows us to see what doesn't work so we don't repeat the mistake. This will enable us to try other options and make necessary changes to get on the right track.

It also helps to identify irrational beliefs about our abilities, such as "I'll never get this" or "People won't like me if I can't accomplish this."

This mindset could prevent us from trying things we may not succeed at, limiting what we learn and experience.

Another helpful thing is remembering when we fell short but overcame the problem. This is a confidence booster for future attempts!

3.) Set realistic goals

A small success is better than no success.

Rather than trying to lose 25 lbs, make it 10. Instead of exercising an hour each day, do 30 minutes. You'll feel empowered to raise the bar as each goal is reached.

A plan, on paper or an app, organizes thoughts into a coherent list of ways to accomplish goals. The visual form of counting calories, carbs, or steps helps commit ideas to long-term memory and assists in reaching a goal.

We must take responsibility for any failures that do arise. Blaming others and/or unfortunate circumstances won't help the situation. But, conversely, we shouldn't unnecessarily blame ourselves, either. Instead, be accountable for when and where it's appropriate.

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. ~John Powell

Don't dwell on mistakes. If you fall victim to cheesecake or life prevents your session at the gym, get back on the wagon ASAP.

Losing a day or two doesn't mean defeat; it's a temporary delay towards a permanent goal.

Failure is a stepping-stone to the best kind of success, the kind that's earned. Unlike the benefits of inherited wealth and unearned advantages, climbing the ladder of success builds character and provides valuable life experience.

Slipping on a rung or two on the way up is expected, so keep going!

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