Photo by Noah Silliman
1. We learn by listening
It’s true. We learn much more by listening than talking.
Talking is the expression of our own preconceived opinions and ideas. But, listening involves hearing someone else’s thoughts and feelings.
Or does it?
It’s important to differentiate between listening and hearing because they’re not the same. Hearing indicates the ability to perceive sounds, while listening is done consciously and involves the interpretation of those sounds.
The ability to hear is a passive bodily process that occurs without any conscious effort. On the other hand, listening is an active mental process that requires a learned skill.
After taking an Interpersonal Communications course in college, I became a better listener. We learned about active listening, where the focus is on truly understanding the speaker’s message. This is accomplished through the careful observation of both verbal and non-verbal cues.
Too often begin to formulate our reply before the other person is finished talking. Failing to receive all the information prevents us from understanding the other person’s message. The meaning gets lost in our premature effort to immediately respond.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey
Another problem with communication is that everyone brings their worldview to the conversation. This is their perspective on politics, religion, and life in general. Our diverse cultures and unique experiences determine how we perceive people and situations and can vary greatly.
This is why active listening is crucial to clear communications. The Active Listening skillset from the Center For Creative Leadership consists of 6 parts requiring several techniques and behaviors:
Pay attention
Withhold judgment
Reflect
Clarify
Summarize
Share
Incorporating these into your communications with others can minimize misunderstandings and help you become a better listener.
Photo by Free-Photos
2. We can’t fix people
And those of us who thought we could “help” other people make dramatic and life-altering changes know this first-hand.
This type of caretaking or codependent relationship often occurs with a parent, child, significant other, or close friend.
It happens when we sacrifice our own needs for the other person. Furthermore, if that person has destructive behaviors, we’ll enable those at the expense of our well-being.
Despite our best efforts, we can’t be responsible for another’s happiness, just as they aren’t responsible for ours. Love and support are crucial to a person struggling with problems, but they must be aware of their issues and do the hard work to find resolutions.
This may involve therapy, rehab, or education, but there’s always learning involved. Understanding ourselves through honest self-reflection isn’t something another person can do for us, nor can we do for them.
3. Boundaries mean freedom
That may sound contradictory, but boundaries separate one’s own life from another person and allow us to develop our independence and identity.
Without them, we fail to establish our sense of self, a necessary component for living a happy, healthy existence.
Have you ever felt so connected to another person that you don’t know where they begin and you end?
If so, you may be part of an enmeshed relationship, which often occurs with a narcissist. If that’s the case, you’ll want to find a good therapist soon.
Some signs to watch for are:
Your happiness and self-esteem are dependent on satisfying the other person.
When there is a disagreement or other problem within the relationship, you’re overcome with fear and/or anxiety.
When you’re away from the individual, you feel extremely lonely and preoccupied with thoughts of reconnection.
You mirror the emotions of the other individual.
You neglect connections with other people.
I’ve observed firsthand the damage from this type of relationship, both instances involving a narcissistic parent and child.
The dynamic begins early in life while the child is completely dependent on the parent. As the child grows, his independence should be encouraged and supported, allowing him to make decisions and mistakes.
However, narcissistic parents must be in control and see the child as an extension of themselves. Their expectations are based on what they want, not what’s best for the growing autonomy of their child.
In the case of narcissistic partners or friends, the same concept applies.
Like a fence separates our property from the neighbor’s, healthy boundaries establish the personal space vital to building positive relationships. We all have a right to our personhood without trying to conform to someone else’s ideas of who we should be.
Surrounding ourselves with people who accept our weaknesses AND strengths makes for a happier life, free of conflict and criticism.
4. True wealth = good health
Imagine finding that you hit the lottery for millions of dollars.
We’ve all done it and fantasized about how we’d spend the money.
Most people would pay off debt and set up trust funds to ensure that they and their families will never want for anything again.
And then the fun would start; luxury cars, bigger houses, and lavish vacations to plan. Our heads would be swimming with the endless opportunities and how different the rest of our lives will be.
Now imagine getting a terminal diagnosis the following day and only having six months to live.
Suddenly, the opportunities are no longer endless. Our newfound wealth can buy almost anything except the one thing we now want the most: our health. What value does a new house and car have if you only get to enjoy them for a short time? Or that dream vacation if you’re too sick to take it?
Our preferences would change a lot in these situations. Good health offers us something money can’t buy, which is time. Driving that coveted sports car is nice, but living another 40 years is far better.
So much emphasis today is placed on money and power. People are consumed with where they live, what they drive, the labels they wear, etc. What gets lost is the knowledge of what’s important: our health and relationships. Individuals with distorted value systems are generally unhappy because they’re never satisfied.
Good health is the highest form of wealth and enriches our lives in ways that a winning lottery ticket simply can’t buy.
Photo by HaseebPhotography
5. Honesty IS the best policy
In a world where alternative facts, white lies, and “spin” are becoming more acceptable, the truth is in danger of extinction. And this has a profound effect on societies and communication.
We’ve all lied; every one of us. The size and severity may vary depending on the person and circumstances, but we’re all guilty.
Whether it’s done to protect someone’s feelings or to an insurance company to collect an illicit payout, it’s still a lie. We justify the untruths in our minds, hence, lying twice.
We think that the size of the lie is in direct proportion to the cost. But, the cost of even small lies is surprisingly high and explained well in this New York Times article.
Dishonesty damages relationships with others, but it also hurts ourselves. It prevents us from the self-awareness necessary for maintaining healthy connections and dealing with reality.
Lying has a way of twisting reality and can be overt or covert. If we practice dishonesty enough, we get good at it. We can then convince ourselves and others of whatever falsehood we’re trying to sell.
But, deliberately trying to deceive other people compromises our self-esteem. We know it’s wrong.
Honesty is the best policy and the one type of insurance we all need.
6. Change is constant
There are a few things in this life that you can readily count on, but change is one of them.
Impermanence and change are thus the undeniable truths of our existence. What is real is the existing moment, the present that is a product of the past, or a result of the previous causes and actions. Because of ignorance, an ordinary mind conceives them all to be part of one continuous reality. But in truth, they are not. ~hinduwebsite.com
Interestingly, we don’t welcome change and often refuse to accept it. This resistance to change is called complex inertia and acts to maintain the body’s homeostasis.
For more detailed information, check out this Psychology Today article on why we resist change.
7. We reap what we sow
Some people call it karma.
Others say, “what goes around comes around.”
People familiar with the Bible will recognize these words of wisdom from Galatians chapter 6, verse 7:
“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”
Regardless of which version you prefer, the meaning remains the same. Whether it’s a garden, a relationship, or a business venture, what you invest in largely determines the outcome.
Don’t expect blue-ribbon tomatoes if you aren’t regularly watering and fertilizing the plants. Celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary isn’t likely without mutual respect from both partners. Business success requires sacrifice and hard work.
Essentially, there are always consequences for our actions, and the results depend on our choices.
Too often, we focus on our expectations of people and things instead of figuring out how to improve ourselves and our efforts. We have to ask ourselves hard questions, answer truthfully, and be willing to make changes if necessary.
We must be consistent in our efforts to achieve goals. That can involve sacrifices in the short term to realize success in the long term.
This means offering honesty, mutual respect, and kindness when dealing with others. It doesn’t mean that we always agree, but how we treat others when we have conflicts will decide how others treat us under those same circumstances.
I’ve learned many lessons throughout my life, most of which fall under one of the categories listed above. Despite numerous resources available and the best efforts of people who knew better than me, I had to figure them out.
It’s too bad we’re not born with the wisdom that we spend a lifetime acquiring. It would certainly make the journey a whole lot easier.
However, it probably wouldn’t be nearly as interesting! Without the prudence learned through tough times, we couldn’t truly appreciate all the loving people and good times that do come our way.
Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward. ~Søren Kierkegaard
7 Important Discoveries I Made About Life