Attachment Theory | What's Your Style?
We’re only as needy as our unmet needs. ~John Bowlby
As humans, we all form attachments throughout our lives. The first ones are with the primary caregivers providing our basic needs. These earliest bonds are crucial and continue to impact our connections to other people (and things) throughout our lives.
Therefore, the earliest behavioral theories1 postulated that children form attachments via learned behavior. The foremost example is when they cry with hunger, the caregiver provides nourishment.
However, British psychologist John Bowlby felt there was more than a ‘feeding relationship.’ He questioned why children became distressed when separated from their primary caregiver despite being fed. This ‘separation anxiety’ existed in the absence of hunger.
Bowlby observed this fear and concluded that clear behavioral and motivational patterns identified the attachment. He believed infants wanted to maintain close proximity to their parents and learn strategies to keep them nearby. This also allowed a better chance at survival throughout human evolution.
He described it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings,” and thus, his Attachment Theory was born.
Attachment Theory: is a psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. The most important tenet is that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development.2
When the primary caregivers are available and responsive to the child’s needs, that child develops a sense of security. They are more likely to explore the world when feeling safe and protected. The opposite is true of children who are neglected in some way. The type and level of that neglect determine how unfavorably affected the child’s development is.
Also, the stages of attachment change over time:
Pre-attachment (Birth - 6 weeks) Baby shows no preference for a specific caregiver.
Indiscriminate (6 weeks - 7 months) Baby begins to prefer primary and secondary caregivers.
Discriminate (7+ months) Baby shows strong attachment to one specific caregiver.
Multiple (10+ months) Baby begins to bond with other caregivers.3
Anyone who’s cared for an infant recognizes these various stages. Depending on the age, a child left with grandparents while mom and dad take a vacation may show disinterest when they return (much to their chagrin!)
I watched my 11-month-old grandson for five days while his parents took a ‘grown-up’ trip. Their enthusiasm was met with a cool reaction from the little one. Once they gathered his belongings and headed for the door, he gazed at me longingly. I had the feeling that while he was glad they were back, he wasn’t overly thrilled to be leaving me.
Wishful thinking? Maybe.
Researchers Rudolph Schaffer and Peggy Emerson analyzed the attachment relationships of 60 infants every four weeks during their first year and then once again at 18 months.
Based on that research, they outlined four different types of attachment:4
Secure
Secure attachment results from feeling understood, valued, comforted, and safe. The parents are emotionally stable and self-aware. Therefore, children trust and are unafraid to ask for reassurance or validation. They grow up to be confident adults with healthy relationships.
Avoidant
Being an avoidant comes from having strict, emotionally distant, or absent caregivers. People with this style have difficulty with physical and emotional intimacy, which can hinder long-term relationships well into adulthood.
Anxious
This style results from neglectful or inconsistent parenting where the child’s needs aren’t met. The child is also made to feel responsible for the emotional well-being of others. The anxiety creates the need for constant reassurance and affection, requires constant validation, and the person suffers from low self-esteem.
Disorganized
This style results from abuse, neglect, or trauma. Children fear their parents and are often worried for their own safety. They exhibit confusion and inconsistent behavior with a general distrust of people. Caregivers are both a source of comfort at times and fear at others, leading to disorganized thinking.
These are the bare-bones characteristics of each attachment style, but there should be enough to identify yourself and those of someone close to you.
For me, it’s as if a light bulb suddenly turned on. I clearly recognize that my own style was anxious. I use the past tense because these markers no longer apply. I went through a lot of different stages in life that encouraged self-study. (Thank God I love to read!) I only had a few sessions of therapy, but they helped tremendously. In addition, the self-reflection I finally learned how to do set me on a path to recovery. I’m no longer insecure and emotionally needy.
My Dad used a strict, harsh type of parenting, but only when he perceived rejection of his love or authority. The rest of the time, he was affectionate and loving. This was a direct result of how his own parents raised him.
My Mom was the primary caretaker, and her approach was a mixed bag. She never neglected our needs when it came to food, clothing, cleanliness, etc. She cared for us when we were sick, went to the dentist, etc. But I’m becoming more aware of how emotionally unavailable she was. She suffered trauma as a small child, which affected all aspects of her life.
I’m beginning to see how our family dynamic formed, and it’s fascinating. It’s also sad because Mom and Dad carried heartaches that affected their own relationship and the ones they had with others (like all of us.)
They were good people carrying burdens passed on from the generation before them. A skilled therapist could have helped, but it wasn’t something they would’ve ever considered.
Our self-image plays a major role in all of our relationships. If that image is weak and we lack self-confidence, we’ll never realize our full potential. And that’s what happened to me. More on that to come.
I’m taking the next two weeks off (9/5 and 9/12) but will repost some articles from the archive.
Let’s hope the transition between seasons is as painless as possible. On really hot days, I long for cool autumn air and the smell of the leaves turning. But the thought of the long, dark winter that follows makes me feel melancholy. It probably has something to do with the state of affairs in American politics and what’s coming. Such a mess.
Take care, and thanks for reading.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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My attachment style was probably avoidant. My Mother lost both of her parents as a teen and she was never available in ways that would have provided me with what I needed as a child.
I'm fairly certain being in a foster home from infancy to being adopted at 3 months had a significant impact on me. After reading this, it touches the surface.of emotional and relationship issues I've had for years. Good read. Hope your time off is spent with joy and good health.