Childhood Emotional Neglect
They Always Blame the Mother
If you enjoy situation comedies and haven’t watched ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ you’re missing out.
While I like historical dramas, documentaries, and true crime shows, among others, sometimes I need to laugh at everyday life, comprised of ordinary people (i.e., the type I can relate to.)
The Barone family resides on Long Island in New York. They are typical Italian-Americans dealing with familial conflicts related to marriage, overbearing in-laws, and raising children. Over the nine seasons it aired, this cast developed the type of chemistry that won awards and the hearts of its viewers.
Marie Barone is the clan's matriarch and known to be meddlesome and controlling, but her cooking and housekeeping skills are beyond reproach. In the ‘Angry Family’ episode (pictured above), the group is in counseling: parents, grandparents, uncle, and children. This is due to the young grandson’s short story portrayal of them as irritable and always screaming at each other. Each character cites the other as a source of hostility. But, an enraged Marie goes a step further and denounces the field of psychology with her pronouncement: “They always blame the mother.”
This concept is familiar as I remember the episode well and heard it from my own mother a few times.
As adults, my siblings and I liked to tease Mom about some of her ‘unusual’ behaviors. As a child, I recall her hiding in the cellar as we called out, “Mom…Mom, where are you?” She would stay hidden until hearing our voices quiver with fear. It wouldn’t have been so strange if we were actually playing the game of ‘hide and seek,’ but we weren’t. She would randomly disappear and stay out of sight until we noticed she was gone.
Another thing my brother remembers is how she’d say, “I’m not your mother,” in a deep, dramatic voice, as if she were reciting a line from a movie or something. I Googled the sentence, and a few items came up: music, films, books, and memes. Mom loved old movies, but I don’t know where it came from and never asked.
She acted like it was comical, but thinking about it now, I realize how truly unfunny it was. These types of ‘practical jokes’ played on a child by a parent can produce fear and confusion, to say the least.
Don’t get me wrong; this is the same woman who kept a clean home, ensured we had food and freshly laundered clothes, read to us before bedtime, took care of us when we were sick, etc. But it was certainly an odd practice.
My Dad as the breadwinner, wasn’t around much. However, he was the disciplinarian. He never once spanked us because he didn’t have to. As a young father, Dad had a hot temper and little patience for childish behavior. He didn’t just raise his voice; he absolutely bellowed. We were on our best behavior around him, the children’s equivalent of ‘walking on eggshells.’
He reprimanded me when I had a stuttering problem as a preschooler. My Mom explained that scolding only made me stutter more. Apparently, he thought I wanted attention and didn’t understand what a speech impediment looked like.
For a period of time (also as a preschooler), I had a terrible fear of storms. I would bury my head under a pillow until the bad weather passed. I remember going out to dinner while on vacation and being seated next to several large windows. As huge, black clouds gathered in the sky, I grew more and more anxious. There were no pillows available and nowhere to hide. When the first lightning bolts started, I slid out of my chair and underneath the table.
Dad became quite angry and made me sit up straight in my chair. He saw my behavior as ‘bad’ instead of a natural reaction to genuine fright.
And yet, he was the parent who showed the most affection and voiced his love for us on a regular basis. He was a good provider who made sure we went on a nice vacation every summer. He often told me (his middle child) that I would be treated fairly. Whatever my older brother and younger sister had, I would also have. He told me his older sister and younger brother had bicycles, but he did not. He had to borrow theirs. Dad promised that would never be the case for me. And he stayed true to his word.
They were, for all intents and purposes, decent parents. Mom and Dad learned their parenting skills from their own parents. They came from the ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ era and didn’t suffer unruly kids, even when there were legitimate reasons for the wayward behavior.
However, Mom was much more permissive than Dad, which I believe created additional confusion.
The family of origin is where we all get our start. Our primary caregivers have the difficult task of shaping the formative years.1
When things turn out well, and the son/daughter graduates from an ivy league school, they receive praise. If the child-turned-adult ends up in a bad way, they get blamed.
My reasons for taking a deep dive into a past I can hardly remember aren’t about finding fault. It’s about finding answers to questions that have plagued me for most of my adult life. Like why did I make poor choices when I knew they put me at risk? And why have I often felt a vague detachment throughout my life?
Childhood Emotional Neglect
When I first heard this term, I didn’t think it applied to my situation. My siblings and I certainly weren’t neglected in any way!
Well, that was my initial thought until I read further.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is a parent’s failure to meet their child’s emotional needs during the early years. It involves unresponsive, unavailable, and limited emotional interactions between that person and the child. Children’s emotional needs for affection, support, attention, or competence are ignored.2
But here’s the reality:
There are no perfect parents and no such thing as a perfect childhood.
We all commit occasional acts of neglect, like not listening to our kids because we’re distracted by adult issues.
Maybe as children, we learned that our problems aren’t serious and take a backseat to the more pressing issues that grownups face daily.
My Dad mistakenly interpreted certain behaviors as rebellious and rejecting his authority. My Mom sometimes treated us like we were more mature than we actually were.
Parenting is one of the toughest jobs I’ve ever done. I was guilty at times of not being fully present for my kids. Of course, that’s a far cry from the type of neglect that some children face. Those include:
Physical - Failure to provide necessary food, clothing, and shelter; inappropriate or lack of supervision.
Medical Neglect - Failure to provide necessary medical or mental health treatment.
Educational Neglect - Failure to educate a child or to provide for special education needs.
Emotional Neglect - Failure to meet a child's emotional needs and provide psychosocial support or permitting the child to use alcohol or other drugs.3
CEN is further broken down into two types: Active and Passive. I’ll discuss those in next week’s post, along with more details and examples.
I want to reiterate that this isn’t about blaming our parents/caretakers for our problems (I love my parents). Most people, including myself, do our best.
For those of us who didn’t suffer from harsh examples of neglect or outright abuse, it’s about realizing how a certain lack of emotional connection and understanding impacted our lives. This knowledge helps to clarify the unexplained feelings of emptiness or detachment we’ve carried around for so long.
See you next week.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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I suspect you could say there was emotional abuse, but after years of doing so, I don't blame my parents either - they raised me in the 1940s, dad worked full times during the war years; Mom lost her mother when she was 13 and her Dad when she was 19. They did the best they could at the time and I have no doubt they loved me.
The strange thing about childhood emotional neglect is that it isn't apparent until the effects come years later.
At least I don't think most children can say "my parents are emotionally neglecting me."
I think it manifests in our relationships later on.
I don't blame parents either. Mine were almost 40 years old when they had me in 1958. My grandparents were from the Depression Era. They were so busy fighting to survive and thrive I don't think they had time to be "there" for their 6 kids.
We learn to parent from our parents. Sometimes were aware and strive to be different. Other times we don't question.
Great read... I love sitcoms... everybody needs a light laugh once in a while!