Childhood Emotional Neglect | Part 2
It's What You Don't See in the Photo
In last week's post, I talked about the concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and how it manifests in even well-intentioned families. I shared personal examples from my own family to illustrate this point.
CEN is comparable to an act of omission. It’s not something parents do to their children; it’s what they don’t do.
It occurs when parents fail to validate and respond to their youngster’s emotions. Unlike the obvious acts of neglect like a malnourished, unkempt child, these are the things you can't easily see. Jonice Webb, Ph.D. (founder of CEN) described it this way:
It’s the background in your family picture, rather than the picture itself.
However, it’s important to differentiate between the passive and active types. Passive CEN isn’t seen or remembered, while the active type is visible and memorable.
Passive CEN
Parents fail to acknowledge the child’s emotions (sad, anxious, hurt, angry).
Parents don’t actively listen to their children.
Parents don’t ask questions about their child’s needs and wants.
Parents don’t pay attention to what and how their child is doing.
Parents fail to provide structure and discipline.
Active CEN
Parents label the child and/or send them to their room because they expressed emotions.
Parents override their child’s emotions with stronger ones.
Parents demean/punish their children for expressing emotions. 1
In the first segment, I mentioned my stuttering problem, my fear of storms, and my Dad’s fierce reaction to those things. That’s an example of active CEN. My Mom’s bizarre hide-and-seek game demonstrates passive CEN.
Before researching this topic, I assumed the problem was me, that I was overreacting to their behavior. I’ve since changed my mind.
In childhood, what doesn’t happen is equally important as what does happen. Not remembering things doesn’t make them any less important. And lost memories are like an unseen force that can cause disconnection and feelings of fulfillment.2
Another example of passive CEN that affected my adolescence was my mom's lack of discipline and limits. While Dad was strict, Mom was too easygoing. However, Dad was seldom home, and Mom was our main caretaker.
From the time my siblings and I were still fairly young, she gave us a lot of freedom. During summer vacations, I remember riding my bike to places too far away for my age. We didn’t have a dedicated lunchtime; whenever we were hungry, we’d show up in the kitchen. This meant we could be gone for long hours without checking in. We also stayed out after the streetlights came on.
Later, I began to rebel during my teenage years: smoking pot and drinking. Mom often looked the other way and covered up my offenses from Dad wanting to avoid his wrath as much as me.
My parents definitely weren’t on the same page when it came to child-rearing. Mom was too lenient, and Dad was too authoritarian, which I believe sent mixed signals and added to our confusion as youngsters. They were extremely different people trying to succeed in marriage, childrearing, and life.
And how did all this affect me?
Throughout my years, I’ve perceived a kind of numbness. For example, when loved ones died, I felt my level of grief was inadequate. Why can I function and continue my daily routine, having only shed minimal tears? Shouldn’t I be more grief-stricken?
Likewise, during joyous moments I was glad about the nuptials, the new babies, and parties of all types, but it’s like I wasn’t happy enough.
It seemed like my emotions were watered down.
In addition, I always felt like I was waiting for something ‘more’ to happen. Expectant but unsure, and I never figured out where that impression came from. Until now.
People suffering from CEN have these types of feelings without any explanation. They’re perfectly able to provide for the wants and needs of others and yet aren’t in touch with their own sensibilities.
Unfortunately, these symptoms resemble other conditions like anger, depression, relationship issues, and anxiety. This ‘mislabeling’ makes it harder for counselors to apply the appropriate therapy.
I’ve begun to realize where my codependence began:
Children who grow up to be codependent tend to grow up in families where they did get a certain amount of good loving contact: hugging, kissing, rocking, and holding from a parent. However, at other times, the parent was not emotionally available to them,” Gabrielle Usatynski, MA, LPC, a psychotherapist, explains.
“In other words, the child would feel emotionally abandoned by the parent at times. This naturally produces a lot of anxiety around a fear of abandonment when this child becomes an adult.”
Therefore, codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships.3
I understood before that no one is a perfect parent (except for the narcissists among us.) But I automatically assumed that child neglect was intentional and done by people who don’t care. Learning that it is often unintentional and done by loving parents is quite an eye-opener. It certainly explains how I acquired the codependent behavior that messed me up for so long.
As I learn more, I’ll share that information along with my personal experience.
Thanks for reading.
Once again, I want to reiterate: it’s not about placing blame. I know my parents did their best and were products of their own environment, just like me.
By understanding CEN and how it leads to codependency, I can let go of my shame for not making better choices longer ago (those choices affected my own children, something I regret the most.) It also helps me to be a better parent, grandparent, and friend to those I care about.
I’m a work in progress.
This 12-minute video offers additional examples of CEN, such as low self-esteem, impulsivity, perfectionism, and difficulty making decisions.
If certain behaviors in your life, or that of a loved one, are troubling, learn more at the link below. Childhood Emotional Neglect might be the cause:
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
“Do you have feelings/emotions that you don’t understand?”
LIFE MATTERS is a reader-supported publication (No Ads or Affiliate links). So please SUBSCRIBE to / and SHARE if you enjoy this weekly newsletter. Or, consider UPGRADING TO PAID to receive Private-Subscriber Only Posts + Bonus Content while supporting a small independent writer.
Thanks for this. Explains so much.
My parents were loving, active, strong and disciplined - in effect, they were a product of the times. They became parents post-WWII (Dad was in the RAAF) and in the 50's when parenthood was beginning to change its manifestation.
The funny thing is that I don't blame them for anything I might feel now because I was formative in a time of huge change - Korea, Vietnam, the hippy era, womens' lib. I went to university where I was encouraged to speak out on any and everything. I was old enough to realise that if I was breaking out of my chrysalis, it was up to me to reconcile the new me.
At 72, there's another chrysalis but by gosh it's fascinating finding the new me.