Emulate Something You Love

Good Examples Are Everywhere, Even in Unlikely Places

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It’s easy to remember the attributes of our loved ones long after they’re gone. Upon seeing this quote, I immediately thought of the people who had enriched my life with their qualities and talents.

My Mother’s love for animals, Dad’s outgoing personality, and Grandma’s undying belief that there was good in everyone. A great-aunt who, despite a lifetime of hardship, was always cheerful and happy to share what little she had.

A few teachers bored me to tears, but most inspired my interest in their field of study, except for math. I hated math, and I doubt that even the greatest teachers of all time couldn’t change my mind about that.

We had an elderly neighbor who loved spending time with us kids. In the summer, he’d invite us to sit on his porch and chat, treating us to Popsicles and Kool-Aid. He didn't get angry even when we (accidentally) broke his window playing ball. Unlike other seniors in the neighborhood, he truly enjoyed our company, telling us we made him feel young again.

We all remember those who contributed something positive to our lives. Sadly, as we get older, we begin to lose them, one by one. Today I thought about my Grandma and her belief in the goodness of people. I know it’s related to strong faith and the religion she was raised in. She dedicated herself to being a genuine Christian who served others and believed God loved everyone despite their shortcomings.

But Grandma also suffered a violent event as a young girl that could have driven her toward a highly different outcome. Due to that, I’ve always been especially amazed by her benevolence. Perhaps it’s not in spite of that long-ago trauma but because of it that she became the compassionate soul she was.

I was thinking of this while pushing my grandson through the local park. We visited the fish in the pond and stopped by the playground for some swinging, climbing, and sliding. As lunchtime grew near, I wondered if he’d be amenable to abandoning the fun in exchange for a PB&J sandwich. Noticing road construction on the other side of the field, I managed to coax him back into the stroller with the promise to go see it.

He loves trucks and construction vehicles, so we watched for a while. I was reminded of my deceased ex-husband, a construction laborer who worked on many roads in his career.

Suddenly I said, “Your Grandpa worked hard like those men.”

It startled me as I rarely think about or mention him. Our 30-year relationship has all but disappeared in my memory. As an emotionally abusive alcoholic, his disease progressed over time to a level that’s painful for me to even think about.

But watching those guys sweating in the heat reminded me of something important. His work ethic was second to none. He went to the job site in spite of colds, flu, or a hangover. It amazed me, and on many occasions, I’d try to convince him to take the day off. But he never would.

That endurance and can-do attitude in the face of an obstacle (in this case, physical illness) convinced me that he could achieve recovery from the addiction. I even pointed that out to him once he admitted to it.

But, he wouldn’t do it, wouldn’t even try. And that was the saddest part of the whole mess. Despite offers from the entire family to love and support those efforts, he chose otherwise.

Maybe the thought of being a failure was more terrifying than being an alcoholic.

(Writing that sentence just now was a eureka moment for me. The thought literally popped into my head; I’d never considered it before! This is one example of how writing is so beneficial for those of us trying to make sense of our past. It loosens the log jams in one’s memory so we can coherently put pieces of the puzzle together.)

But, based on the relationship with his father, it’s quite possible. I’ll write more about that in a future post.

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Regardless of the painful history, I truly admire my husband’s strength and ability to push through the hard times. Whether that means physical, mental, or emotional illness or the many problems that arise during a lifetime (like the loss of family post-divorce.) I know that was particularly difficult for him.

However, rather than completely erase my ex’s memory and all the negatives associated with it, I will remember this amazing quality about him and try to emulate it.

After he died, the next-door neighbor told me he was out working in the yard the week before his death. For a man who had lost 60 lbs. as his overall health severely declined, that was a bit of a miracle.

But then, come to think of it, so was he.

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WHAT DO YOU THINK?

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