Establishing Identity | When the Process Fails
No death, no doom, no anguish can arouse the surpassing despair which flows from a loss of identity. ~H.P. Lovecraft
Have you ever questioned the choices or decisions you’ve made in life?
We all do, at times.
But if doubting the people and paths you’ve chosen is a regular occurrence, you may suffer from identity problems.
A loss or weakening of identity - whether it never fully developed in childhood or was delayed at some other point - is a personality issue that negatively affects us in various ways.
Individuation (the process by which an individual becomes distinct) is necessary for the process of self-analysis and discovery. When the process is delayed, it can cause mental health issues and difficulties.
Unsuccessful individuation does not necessarily indicate the presence of a mental health condition but can contribute to the development of depression, anxiety, stress, or self-doubt. Codependency and borderline personality may also result.
This process of forging a strong personality can be interrupted at any stage through negative family relationships or life stressors:
Family Dynamics
Early childhood adversity - A lack of positive interactions with caregivers. This generally means a lack of support and understanding but not necessarily outright abuse.
Adolescence - A period of friction between parents and teens. It’s ripe for conflicts that can disrupt identity formation.
Adulthood - Unhealthy relationships formed with family members. This carries over into adulthood which can cause lasting divisions.
Other Disruptions
Marriage or divorce
New job
Losing a job
Relocating
Health issues
Losing a loved one
Other traumatic events
Conversely, a stable identity provides:
The ability to adapt to change - the only constant in life is change. A strong sense of self provides a solid foundation for navigating the ups and downs of living.
Self-esteem - it’s easier to feel worthwhile and deserving of respect if you know who you are and what you believe in.
Identity Development in Adolescence
Identity development occurs throughout our lifetimes. As infants, our earliest relationships with primary caregivers start the process. At first, we believe everything and everyone is an extension of us. But by seven months, we begin to learn that we’re separate from other people.
A baby will cry when mom or dad leaves the room, signaling separation anxiety. As toddlers, we learn the word “no,” which is the first step in understanding that there are some things we cannot control.
As teenagers, we naturally begin to test the boundaries of what we can and can’t control. Learning them often means making mistakes and poor choices. This period is usually fraught with conflict between parents and their offspring.
Adolescence is the time to develop a strong identity that includes personality, individuality, and connection to others. Acquiring a positive self image helps the teen feel a sense of belonging and higher self-esteem that will last a lifetime.
But for parents, it means teaching children to have a moral compass and then allowing them to trust it and learn to read it. Mistakes will be made, but it’s important that youngsters learn these lessons on their own. With a strong foundation (built from childhood), they should be equipped to overcome and manage any problems or bad decisions that may arise.
The clash between child and adult is never so stubborn as when the child within us confronts the adult in our child. ~Robert Brault
Parents' positive reinforcement of good choices and efforts is necessary to establish confidence in their children. If the parents are complacent or too rigid, this can have long-lasting negative effects.
Individuation cannot be stopped, only delayed and often at great cost to the emerging adult. Parents should begin early allowing young children to make simple choices under their wisdom and guidance. That can prevent damaging choices with life-altering consequences later.
I never realized that identity begins in the earliest days of our lives.
Learning the importance of a healthy childhood and adolescence clarified for me what happened in my own experience.
Hopefully, these discussions are helpful for others, as well. If you know someone who could benefit from this information, please share it.
And, as always, THANK YOU for reading Life Matters!
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Reading this was like going to a therapy session and the lighbulb turning on. This was likely why I had a lot of issues. My parents were military strict and overprotective. Late in life my mother apologized. It wasn't too late of course, but wow, there were issues I may have avoided and gone down a completely different path in doing so. Great article.
Wonderful as usual. Thanks for sharing.