Forget Regret

But only after learning the lesson it's trying to teach.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

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Greetings to this week’s new subscribers…I’m so grateful you’re here!

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Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh. ~ Henry David Thoreau

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When you reflect on your life choices, do you ever ask, “What if?”

Were there specific moments in your journey when a decision turned out to be pivotal, even though you didn’t know it then? And would a different choice have brought greater happiness or prevented disastrous results?

For me, the answer is yes and yes.

Everyone makes mistakes of varying degrees. Once, I deviated slightly from a trusted recipe and ruined it. It was frustrating but certainly not life-altering.

There was another time when I let an opportunity for positive change and personal growth slip away simply because I wouldn’t part ways with my high school sweetheart.

That one cost me big time.

My brother graduated from college in 1981, was offered a great job on the other side of the country, and was planning his big move.

My mom suggested I go with him, reminding me of the advantages:

“You could go to college for less money and live rent-free in exchange for caring for the apartment. Think of all the new people you’d meet! And you’d finally get to experience life in the big city.”

I also think she hated the thought of him being so far away and living alone. Mom worried about how he’d manage on his own, as he didn’t cook or clean too much.

For me, it would have required breaking up with my boyfriend and starting a new life in which I, too, wouldn’t know a single person.

I considered it for about thirty seconds and decided it wasn’t what I wanted.

With forty-nine years of experience and wisdom behind me, I recognize now what a missed opportunity this was. I could have gone on a trial basis and returned home if things didn’t work out.

I was 20 years old, still trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted in life. Lacking self-confidence, I chose what seemed like the “safer” option. Sadly, this led to years of misery.

My boyfriend, who eventually became my husband, was showing early signs of addiction, but I chose to make excuses for him. He had a bad day, he wasn’t feeling well, etc.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that his occasional moodiness and nightly beer intake would worsen over time and ruin any chance we might have had for happiness.

Later on, I often imagined what my life might have looked like had I gone.

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Counterfactual Thinking

I came across the term counterfactual thinking when looking up information on Regret. It refers to the cognitive process of imagining alternatives to events or situations that have already happened.

There are two main types:

• Upward counterfactual thinking - Focuses on how things could have been better if a different choice had been made. When the outcome is negative, this leads to feelings of regret and disappointment.

• Downward counterfactual thinking - Focuses on how a situation could have been worse, often leading to feelings of relief or gratitude.

Additionally, there are distinctions to these scenarios known as additive and subtractive counterfactual thinking, depending on whether you add or remove elements to the situation:

• If I had checked the weather, I would have taken an umbrella.

• If I hadn’t spent so much money, I wouldn’t be so far in debt.

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During the worst years of my life, I did a lot of upward counterfactual thinking concerning this decision.

I imagined all the fun my brother and I would have had exploring southern California. We could’ve made a new circle of friends together, and I probably would have finished my degree and gotten a much better job.

Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

I missed out on so much because I lacked the self-esteem to leave my old life and try something new. But the thought that haunted me most was that I might’ve actually found my soulmate. Someone whom I could share a strong, loving, and lasting bond with. The guy I chose was broken inside, unable to give and receive love.

It’s hard to know what you want at twenty years old, but you don’t realize that at the time. We started dating at 15, and both of us were working a job at 16. After graduating from high school, my parents separated because of my dad’s involvement with another woman. He dropped that bomb three days before my move to college.

I was devastated, and my attitude toward everything took a nosedive. I attempted to ease the pain with drugs and alcohol. Lots of drugs and alcohol. I only lasted one semester before returning home. My boyfriend finished out the year before he dropped out, too. We got an apartment together and continued working at our old jobs.

Looking back now, I realize we didn’t discuss the future. There was no in-depth conversation about a long-term plan or the actions needed to make it happen. We were living in the moment, looking for instant gratification, only interested in having a good time.

When would we get married? Did we want children, and if so, when? Would we go back to college at some point? How would we handle our finances? Should we begin saving for a house immediately?

Many key issues were never addressed. Our weekdays were filled with work and household chores, while the weekends were dedicated to partying with friends and having fun, with nary a goal in sight.

We were, quite literally, flying by the seat of our pants.

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For a long time, I thought regrets were a bad thing.

They were the constant reminders of everything I did wrong, the preparations I failed to make that would have led to a brighter future.

Not only did I MAKE mistakes, but I chose to CARRY THEM AROUND like a self-imposed scarlet letter visible only to myself.

I tried to convince myself of the following:

Forget regret or life is yours to miss. ~Jonathan Larson

But letting go of regrets before you’ve contemplated the lessons they teach is risky. The threat of repeating history (if we don’t learn from it) is all but certain. Without feeling the pain resulting from a particular situation and realizing what role we played, we doom ourselves to replicating it again in the future.

I say it all the time in my posts. Self-reflection is crucial to understanding ourselves and WHY we make the choices that we do. Likewise, honest insight into the people we surround ourselves with is critical to making better choices. This knowledge came to me later in life, too late to prevent the painful experiences I had.

However, it’s never too late to begin knowing yourself better. That’s truly the first step, and it can set you on a path to more peace and contentment than you may think possible.

I know because it did that for me.

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