How Boundaries Free Us to Live More Authentic and Secure Lives
Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices. ~Gerard Manley Hopkins
Imagine a world without boundaries.
Something as basic as a roadway with no painted traffic lines or signs. Nothing to designate who belongs where at any given time.
The ability to pass the driver in front of you, regardless of an upcoming hill, creates a dangerous blind spot.
Or, imagine the confusion at busy intersections with no traffic lights or streets without any restraints on speed.
What about the guardrails to prevent cars from careening off the roadway? Or the median barriers that separate opposing traffic on divided highways?
It sounds pretty scary and chaotic.
Now consider the personal boundaries that relate to our lives as individuals within a society:
Physical
Sexual
Emotional/Mental
Spiritual/Religious
Financial/Material
Time
Non-negotiable
That’s a lot of lines that shouldn’t be crossed!
But how often are we guilty of doing it with family and friends? And how often have we felt uneasy when someone crossed over ours?
Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw for ourselves regarding our comfort level around others.1
As children, we’re taught to ignore our feelings to accommodate someone else’s:
“I know you don’t like hugging Uncle Bob, but do it anyway, or he’ll feel bad.”
Imagine telling an adult that. Shouldn’t we respect the boundaries of children, or are they not supposed to have any?
No is a complete sentence. ~Anne Lamott
The messaging we receive growing up influences our later relationships. If we’re not taught healthy boundaries as youngsters, we’ll often tolerate other people taking advantage of us later in life. Despite allowing this through our silence, we feel an underlying resentment and don’t even understand why. Or, we don’t have the personal agency to stand up for ourselves and our beliefs.
Research from the National Institutes of Health shows that boundary violations cause anxiety and negatively impact our personal and professional lives.2
Most folks have experienced an awkward interaction when another person said or did something that makes them feel uneasy.
Here are examples from my own life:
Many years ago my husband had a coworker that he bonded with and eventually our families became friends. Our children had play dates and sleepovers, etc. They had a small farm and shared their bounty with us; real salt-of-the-earth types. But my husband’s friend swore a lot. It was the run of the mill stuff: damn, shit, hell…words I heard occasionally in my own home growing up. No F-bombs, so, no big deal.
But, when he drank alcohol the goddamits came into play. That word made me really uncomfortable because of my kids. Whether you’re a believer or not, it’s off-limits in my book. I was torn about whether to say something to him and didn’t the first few times that I noticed it. I was afraid of offending him! (Finally, I did and he was understanding of my feelings.)
Another example that comes to mind is when I worked in an office. I was one of three secretaries, each with our designated duties. As the newest hire it was my responsibility to answer the phones.
One time the business owner asked me to do a time sensitive task and told me to tell ‘Peggy’ to cover the phones until I got it finished. So, I did, telling her that it was his instruction to do so. Peggy had a rigid personality and wasn’t a team player. I set about the work I was given and when the phone rang, she didn’t pick it up. Neither did the other office girl who knew I was supposed to be completing another assignment. I left it ring about seven times before answering the call. My view of her desk was blocked by a filing cabinet, so I assumed she was away from her desk. But, when I leaned around it she was working at her computer, ignoring the phone! Sensing that she had no intention of doing what the boss had requested of her, I continued to answer the incoming calls!
Why did I react this way in both situations? Because I never learned about healthy boundaries.
However, that’s no longer a problem. Age + wisdom acquired through self-reflection and research had taught me to ‘stay in my lane’ and honk loudly when someone enters mine.
You get what you tolerate. ~Henry Cloud
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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Excellent read again. 😊
I, too, need to identify and listen more to my boundaries. I suspect, it would make a much healthier life.