How (Constantly) Pleasing Other People Becomes Destructive to Your Self Esteem

Photo by Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash

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It’s certainly natural and satisfying to be helpful and kind to others. However, codependent pleasing emanates from low self-esteem — more to get than give. – Darlene Lancer

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Upon hearing the word codependent for the first time, I assumed it meant two people who are mutually dependent on each other. And it does, but not in a good way.

My parents were dependent on each other. My Dad and his employer relied on each other. Companies and their customers count on each other: one to provide goods and services and the other to purchase them. Any relationship involving two parties in a give-and-take situation depends on each other.

It certainly doesn’t sound like a bad thing, right?

Yet the term appeared in a self-help book when I first discovered it. It turns out that codependency is like sugar. Just the right amount is sweet, satisfying, and does no harm. Too much, however, will wreak havoc on your overall health.

I want to thank prue batten

Knots in the String

for asking the question that prompted this post. I realized that people are sometimes confused by the word (just as I was), and further clarification is necessary.

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Interdependency

Dependency on its own isn’t a bad thing. There is a healthy form known as interdependence, and it refers to the examples above. Because we’re social creatures, humans formed societies where we depend on each other to live. This is the give-and-take aspect mentioned above. We offer support, encouragement, and practical help and receive it in return.

In relationships, this equal exchange extends love, emotional safety, and feelings of mutual respect for those involved. For individuals, it increases their self-esteem and confidence. The support of a partner or friend enables one to overcome fears and meet new challenges.

Interdependency permits a balance of dependence and independence, allowing us to be our own person. We feel confident and capable of expressing our needs and accepting help while maintaining our autonomy.

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Codependency

In codependent relationships, one person does most of the giving without getting anything in return. It doesn’t take long before the ‘giver’ becomes resentful and dissatisfied, feeling cheated but unable to correct their behavior.

The giver focuses completely on pleasing the other person at the expense of their own needs and interests. This is referred to as enmeshment, where roles and expectations become confused. Healthy boundaries create the space necessary to respect yourself and others as individuals with separate identities.

Codependent people are perfectly capable of independence. Maintaining a job/career, managing a household, caring for youngsters, etc. Actually, they are known to be hardworking caretakers that others can rely on (I know this firsthand!) But, they have a strong need to be needed and build their self-worth on ‘fixing’ the other person. This usually applies to specific people and not everyone in their circle.

Codependents typically feel flawed and unworthy of love. This results from childhood trauma, neglect, or a dysfunctional family. We spend our time and energy trying to ‘earn’ love, to feel accepted and valued. Relying on this kind of external validation is a red flag that something is terribly wrong.

My exploration into this topic will (hopefully) uncover what happened in my own life.

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Know the Difference

Interdependent relationships empower both parties to learn and grow. It doesn’t encourage the one-sidedness of codependency.

There’s a distinct difference between helping and enabling:

• Help - to give assistance or support (doing for others what they can’t do for themselves.)

• Enable - to provide the means or opportunity (doing for others what they can and should do for themselves.)

Codependent people derive self-esteem from ‘helping’ the taker with physical, emotional, financial, or whatever needs they may have. It’s difficult for them to function independently because they seek their self-worth from the other person.

Healthy relationships sustain us in hard times and encourage us to be strong, independent individuals who respect ourselves and others. Unfortunately, they can’t ‘cure’ us of any emotional issues we might have. Until we seek awareness and help, the destructive patterns will continue.

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