How Our Expectations of Friendship Change As We Grow Older

Feb 21, 2023

grayscale photography of group of people hugging each other — Photo by Hannah Valentine on Unsplash

Some friendships are made by nature, some by contract, some by interest, and some by souls. ~Jeremy Taylor

One of the best things about a friend is that we get to choose them.

Unlike other close relationships, such as parents, siblings, and children, our friendships are voluntary. We enter into an agreed-upon union with the other person predicated simply on…whether we like each other. Of course, this requires honesty about who we are, our likes, dislikes, worldview, etc. Making new friends at various life cycles involves different levels of trust. And choosing someone to be your buddy usually means having things in common.

I met my two (childhood) best friends in first grade. We were drawn together over the mutual love of some toy in our classroom. Further discovering that we liked the same games, cartoons, and cafeteria lunches, among other things, sealed the deal.

We remained chums throughout middle and high school but began drifting apart, making 'new' best friends along the way. Finally, after high school graduation, we went our separate ways. I remained in our hometown while their college and careers took them hundreds of miles away. Despite being out of touch for decades (except for an occasional class reunion), social media brought us back together. Thomas, Suzanne, and I stay in touch virtually to this day, some 56 years later.

Childhood Friendships

Our childhood friendships are based on a simple formula: who's available at the time and whether or not we have fun with them. This includes schoolmates and kids from the neighborhood. Because we're still young, we think and relate on a basic level, unconcerned with skin color or where one attends church. Instead, we care whether the kid has cool toys and is willing to share them with us.

However, these connections are sometimes temporary. They depend on the adults whose new home purchase in a neighboring town or job relocations take our friends away.

My neighbor Rusty and I were good pals from kindergarten through seventh grade. The gender difference made no difference. I have great memories of catching crayfish down the creek, building snow forts in the winter, flying kites in the field by our houses, and riding bikes until dark. Our older brothers rounded out the crew. As the youngest member and only girl, I had to work hard to keep up, but they graciously accepted me (although my sibling could be a pill at times!)

Once we hit middle school and the hormones got moving, things got weird. Being the same age and having spent the last eight years as besties, Rusty and I developed a strong bond. But the bond was changing. I recall an awkward kiss behind the garage, which caused us both embarrassment.

After that, he started hanging out with a boy down the street, and I was spending more time with my galpals. Then, one day, he came to my house and told me his family was moving to Florida. I remember feeling shocked because he'd lived across the street for as long as I could remember. Despite having grown apart, I felt strangely sad and confused. It was an early introduction to what endings feel like and the emotions that go with them.

Young Adulthood Friendships

Because expectations change over time, so do our friends. Companionship in young adulthood involves intimacy. We confide more personal things about our lives and feelings, which significantly change as we grow. There were subjects I could talk about with Suzanne that were off-limits for Thomas and Rusty!

Young adulthood offers more time to spend with comrades, as well:

There's an increased mobility and independence that we didn't have as children.
We can go places without our parents.
A driver's license allows even more socializing time.
Part-time jobs introduce us to new groups of people.

The years after high school take some people to college and others into the workforce. This often means relocation and less time spent with old pals while meeting new folks and forging new relationships.

I attended college for a few semesters before dropping out and returning to my old job. I met many people, and we shared a carefree, wild (at times) part of our youth. The independence of living away from home caused us to rely on each other more, and we became fast friends. We confided all the secrets that we’d never disclose to our parents. Looking back, we probably overshared at times. We hadn’t reached maturity to see people for who they truly were. I trusted a couple of so-called friends but learned the hard way that what you see/hear isn’t always what you get. There were some good people, and I believed we’d always be close. However, due to the circumstances, those affiliations were fleeting. After leaving, I never saw them again. Once in a while, I think of them and wonder how their lives played out.

Middle Age Friendships

Then comes middle age bringing spouses, babies, and jobs that slowly quash time with friends. As our offspring reach daycare and school age, we develop friendships by default, hanging out with people we already spend time with due to employment and kids.

Despite living in my hometown, I no longer saw my school chums unless we ran into each other at the Post Office or grocery store. We worked different jobs, our kids went to different schools, etc. My social life was anything attached to their sports events or clubs/activities.

We often went to a local sports bar following Little League baseball games. We enjoyed pizza, wings, and cold beer, while the kids had a blast playing video games in the back room. Soccer and basketball games took us out of town, and we’d stop at various restaurants on the way home. I enjoyed the communication aspect as much as the break from cooking. Over the years, I formed a few close friendships, the first since college. It felt good to have other moms to discuss parenting issues with. But, these liaisons only lasted until the children outgrew them. When the kids graduated and moved on, those also ended.

Older Adulthood Friendships

Once we reach retirement age, schedules open up with more time to enjoy older adulthood relationships if we choose. Our children, if we had any, are grown and gone.

But we're also aware the clock is ticking, so carefully prioritize what makes us happy.

Unlike our childhoods, we're not limited simply by who’s available right now. If we choose to get back in touch, we have all the old acquaintanceships from previous years. Technology offers various ways to meet and stay in touch with others. We've matured beyond our youthful indiscretions and aren't trying to impress others. The many obligations of middle age are gone. We're FREE AT LAST!

So, why am I not out socializing like crazy? As a teenager, missing a party was the equivalent of a root canal without pain medication.

As outlined above, my circle of friends grew smaller and continued shrinking throughout the decades. My husband's addiction compounded this, causing me to isolate myself. He'd drink too much and embarrass us. As a result, I stopped attending social functions except for family gatherings.

However, after we divorced, I was excited to renew old friendships and started attending events again. I reunited with a few local girls on Facebook. We created a Book Club, meeting once a month for dinner and discussion. The desire to connect with others and have fun was back! I was 47 and felt like the world had opened back up. For about 10 years, I enjoyed my newfound freedom and interests.

Fast forward to the present, and I'm embarrassed to admit I no longer have regular contact with friends. We like and comment on each other’s posts on Facebook. Reunions only occur every five years. The Book Club dissolved after only a few meetups, another victim of the worldwide pandemic that ended my budding social life.

At 61, I’ve discovered that my need for a network is largely (and happily) fulfilled with my children and grandchildren. My favorite activities these days are solo ones: writing, reading, and walking, to name a few.

A therapist once told me that our circle of friends often shrinks as we age, a natural occurrence. Declining health and less FOMO1 create more contentment with solitude. Sure, there are exceptions. I hear about retirees leaving family behind and moving to senior living communities where it’s always 5:00 somewhere.2

For a while, I thought that I was missing out by not having friends. But I didn’t actually FEEL like I was missing out. That’s when I realized that my family members have become the confidants I once had. I can now relate to my grown children as the adults they are. My siblings and I grew closer after the death of our parents. After all, we grew up together in the same house and share memories specific only to us. My grandchildren provide a precious glimpse in the rearview mirror that only the littles can.

My social life is alive and well between babysitting, outings, holidays, and vacations. With the best friends, a person could hope for, all my expectations have been met!

WHAT DO YOU THINK…

…About friendship?

How Our Expectations of Friendship Change As We Grow Older

Some friendships are made by nature, some by contract, some by interest, and some by souls. ~Jeremy Taylor

Childhood Friendships

Young Adulthood Friendships

Middle Age Friendships

Older Adulthood Friendships

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