Respect or Control | What Healthy Boundaries Look Like
When Too Much or Too Little Blurs the Lines
Healthy boundaries are important, but you may be building a brick wall when a picket fence would do.” – Amy Dickinson
I talk a lot about boundaries because, for years, I lived without them. Heck, I would not have recognized one if it bit me in the backside because no one taught me what they were. This played a major role in the codependency that developed in my later life.
A boundary is defined as a real or imaginary point beyond which a person or thing cannot go.1
I grew up observing behaviors I thought were normal and attributed certain types to specific people in my life. As a kid, I assumed that adults were in control of their conduct and acted with a sense of agency.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case then or now:
Many years ago, when my uncle ‘got physical’ with my aunt at a holiday party, I assumed he had a good reason. I didn’t see exactly what happened, and my Mom hustled us out of our grandparents’ house while my Dad tried to get his brother under control. I learned years later that an excessive amount of alcohol was to blame. That’s what was in control, not my uncle.
As a child, I also remember an adult second cousin whose pregnancy ended in a stillborn birth. Apparently, the baby had congenital physical defects. My grandma and great-aunt lamented to her that it probably resulted from the fumes she inhaled while painting the nursery. Imagine how she must have felt! In their defense, they were born in the 30s and raised in a house where people spoke their minds without any filters. They weren’t trying to be hurtful but simply acted according to what they learned growing up.
One day, in first grade, I raised my hand to go to the bathroom. The teacher refused to call on me. She was an older lady, probably close to retirement, and not very nice. I don’t know how long my hand was in the air, but finally I gave up. In my child’s mind, I thought I could pee in my pants and then empty them into the toilet when I got home. She ended up having to clean up the puddle under my chair. Mrs. B. obviously exercised poor judgment, but at the time, I figured there was a valid reason.
The lack of boundaries is often due to addiction, learned behavior, and child abuse or neglect. We rely on the adults in our lives to teach us healthy boundaries, just as our children rely on us to be positive role models for appropriate behavior.
Too Much of a Good Thing
Boundaries are the guidelines we set to maintain those healthy relationships and protect our personal values. However, even our boundaries need boundaries!
Lately, people have begun to overgeneralize the concept of this word, and without the appropriate context, it can take on an unseemly meaning. Some individuals are using it to control others.
Healthy boundaries are important, but you may be building a brick wall when a picket fence would do.” – Amy Dickinson
Being selfish and claiming that you’re ‘just setting boundaries’ is manipulative. Telling someone that you don’t want them to be friends with a specific person (because you feel threatened by that person) is controlling behavior.
During my codependent days, I was terribly insecure. My partner had a female friend who he’d known for many years, and claimed there was no attraction between them beyond friendship. I saw it differently. She was flirtatious around all men, including mine. She’d been married four times, and I believed she was searching for Hubby #5. Rather than recognizing that it was her personality and trusting my guy, I worried constantly that their friendship would become something more. I never came out and told him that, but I questioned their interactions and phone calls.
Thankfully, I recovered from this condition, and if he chose to be with her today (instead of me), I would consider it HIS loss. Also, knowing them both as well as I do, I don't think they would last very long!
Boundaries should protect everyone equally. When they don’t, something is wrong. It’s important to recognize when someone violates your personal space and values. We should never be expected to tolerate that behavior, just as we shouldn’t ignore another person’s right to theirs.
It’s hard to call out another’s breach of our boundaries, but we must learn that effective communication is sometimes messy. We don’t have to yell, be accusatory, or assign some pernicious meaning to the other person’s words/deeds. Just a simple statement that it makes you uncomfortable should be enough.
If it isn’t, you may want to have a more in-depth discussion and/or reconsider that relationship.
When someone oversteps your boundaries, they’re letting you know that what you want doesn’t matter.” – Phil Good
Here’s a WaPo article that talks more about this subject.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
“Do you feel most people overstep boundaries intentionally or unintentionally?”
LIFE MATTERS is a reader-supported publication (No Ads or Affiliate links). So please SUBSCRIBE to / and SHARE if you enjoy this weekly newsletter. Or, consider UPGRADING TO PAID to receive Private Subscriber-Only Posts + Bonus Content while supporting a small independent writer.
Thanks for sharing! Eek! I can't believe the power trip of some people as in not letting you go to the toilet! 😬 Your piece did make me consider boundaries in all areas of life.