Thankful Thursday: The Accidental Parent

How a Totally Unplanned Event Was Life-Changing For the Better

Photo by Benjamin Manley on Unsplash

I am everlastingly thankful that a little of me is caught up in your being and that you carry me into a future that I shall never know. ~Pam Brown

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As a youngster, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I remember one time the kids at our lunch table discussed what our fathers did for a living. Of course, there was the usual assortment of vocations: dentist, plumber, mill worker, policeman, and so on. 

One kid told us that his mom had a job, too, and we were kind've amazed. He was the only one out of approximately 25 students whose mother worked outside the home. I was under the impression that once a woman had children, she left her job to stay at home if she had a job in the first place. I was 8 years old at the time. Not surprisingly, it was 1969.

I informed my friends over a bologna and ketchup sandwich that my dad was a ‘seat finder.’ When people came to the restaurant where he worked, he would give them menus and find an open table where they could sit. To my young mind, that made him a finder of seats. I wasn't yet familiar with the term general manager.

I had no ambition to follow in his footsteps. My dreams were way bigger. I considered just about every profession known to man. When I got to middle school, it opened some new doors. One of my favorites was the Guidance Office. I spent most of my study halls there or in the Library. 

Reading about all the different jobs one could do to earn a living was exciting. By the end of each school year, I decided on a particular vocation, only to change it the following year. This probably explains why my first attempt at college found me in the Liberal Arts program. I enjoyed the various disciplines (except math) and couldn't decide which direction to go.

Despite my indecisiveness, I believed that someday I'd accomplish greatness. 

Unfortunately, I lost the determination and commitment to accomplish anything. In the words of Lemony Snicket, this was due to a series of unfortunate events. I'll write more about those in future posts.

I ended up dropping out and returning to work at my high school job, then moved in with my boyfriend. A couple of years later, I got pregnant. It was unplanned due to my own recklessness. Too many recreational drugs and late nights closing the bar. 

It ended up being the best thing that could've happened to me.

All the partying and risky behaviors stopped. I started eating a healthy diet and walking in the evenings for exercise. I wanted a healthy baby. Becoming a parent gave me someone to live for as I didn't think much of myself at the time.

There are no accidents…there is only some purpose that we haven’t yet understood. ~Deepak Chopra

I'd always assumed that I would get married and have a family. But, that was secondary to whatever my professional endeavors turned out to be. The job would come first and be my claim to fame. 

But, what actually happened is that my parenting job took precedence over everything else. As a result, I had two more children and worked most of the years while raising them. Without a college education, they were low-wage jobs, but we needed a second income. The degree I never got would have to wait almost 18 years.

It takes a village to raise a child; thankfully, mine was fantastic. Between my family and my husband's, we had outstanding examples: loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. They provided additional guidance and displayed what a healthy family dynamic looks like. 

This example saved my kids, who grew up in a dysfunctional home. Their dad was a verbally abusive alcoholic. When they were young, his hostility was directed solely at me. But, as they grew older and defended me, he also began to target them.

Don’t get me wrong; there were happy times, too. But, addiction grows progressively worse with the passage of time and permeates every aspect of life. It’s always there, waiting in the shadows. Waiting to come stumbling out and wreck whatever good things are happening.

I don't dwell on the past. However, I made it clear to everyone who positively influenced my kids that they share in their many successes.

All three are college educated, gainfully employed, and financially independent. In addition, two have families of their own and are excellent spouses and parents. Nevertheless, they could've turned out quite differently but chose a better path.

They aren't without scars, though, and neither am I. However, we've all done a lot of growing and have (gratefully) moved beyond those dark years. The painful memories fade with each new happy one we make together. And those have been many.

I never became famous or won awards for my professional accomplishments. But what I achieved on a personal level is nothing short of amazing. Trust me, this is not pretentious bragging. I considered murder and suicide on several occasions. Surviving twenty years of mental and emotional castigation almost broke me. Almost.

One of the definitions of vocation is a strong impulse or inclination to follow a particular activity or career. And while 'Motherhood' wasn't listed in the career books and wasn’t initially a strong impulse, my sons and daughter became the best work of my life. That ended up being my profession, and I’d do it all again.

I finally did attain the greatness I dreamed about as a kid. And through my children, grandchildren, and so on, a legacy far greater - and further reaching - than I ever imagined.

xoxox

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(NOTE: Today is National Son & Daughter Day, the prompt for writing this post. Parenthood is hard; filled with sleepless nights, heartache, and many sacrifices. If you could come back and live another lifetime, would you do it again? Please join the poll below and respond in the Comments if you want to share further. Many thanks!)