Traditions
From Past to Present, Change is Inevitable
This Christmas was the first holiday I spent at home in my birthplace (and current residence) since 2015. In the late summer of that year, I purged my life and belongings to move six states away and start over (quite an adventure for a divorced, post-menopausal woman of 54.)
With a newly minted college degree, a variety of job experiences, and dreams for a better life, I had great expectations. The relocation to year-round sunshine, a beloved ocean, and a beach, far from the cold, dark winters of the northeast, was a longtime dream.
I had been through some extremely tough years: a debilitating, codependent marriage to an alcoholic, the resultant divorce, my father’s steady decline into dementia, then death, and a new relationship that, while offering redemption, came at a cost of its own.
I was beyond ready to get out of Dodge. My kids in the south were excited that I was coming; one of them was ready to start a family and was grateful that a grandparent would live nearby.
Unfortunately, I was leaving behind some people who weren’t happy about my departure. My other son and siblings were, to a lesser degree, because they had their own lives. But, it was my mother and partner who really struggled with the decision.
Shortly before I left, Mom’s lack of mobility made it necessary for her to move in with my brother and his wife. They had a large, one-level home where she had her own bedroom and bath and no stairs to navigate (something my sister and I couldn’t provide).
I believe she resented the fact that I wouldn’t move into her home and become her full-time caretaker. I was the eldest daughter, after all. But she understood that I didn’t want to be a long-distance grandparent and never voiced a complaint. At least not to me. Furthermore, I knew that pleasing Mom would come at a high cost for me personally.
If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs. ~Cheryl Richardson
She wasn’t happy with my choice for a couple of reasons:
Firstly, because Mom, like most seniors, didn’t want to leave the comfort and familiarity of her own home. I certainly relate to and understand this. However, her decades-long smoking habit resulted in COPD, which restricted exercise and activity. This, in turn, caused a weight gain that contributed to her breathing issues, loss of muscle strength, and compromised mobility. Much to her displeasure, Mom became dependent on others for most of her care. Living alone was becoming risky due to the physical limitations, and sure enough, she took a hard fall in the kitchen. Unable to get up, she lay bleeding on the floor. Luckily, her insurance agent showed up for an appointment and called an ambulance. I received notification at work and went right to the hospital. That injury to her leg required daily wound care for four months.
Secondly, because she never liked her daughter-in-law. Some of the conflicts through the years were due to the overbearing natures of both women and their inability to speak less and listen more. They each had their own difficult history that complicated the fractious relationship.
But Mom’s resentment about not wanting to move in with her son and daughter-in-law wasn’t my problem. And while that might sound cruel to some people, I was finally learning to set boundaries. She chose to smoke and was suffering the consequences of that choice. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my happiness for hers. However, I was willing to help with her care and spend time with her.
Let’s be clear about something: I love my Mom, but we were never as close as I would’ve liked. She was not the type to show much physical affection, and I don’t remember ever doing ‘mother-daughter’ things. Her circumstances growing up shaped the woman she ultimately became.
My partner was even more upset with my decision to leave. Our nine-year relationship was languishing. We came together under less-than-ideal circumstances, and despite a true friendship, there was no real future, and that was due to his choices.
Unfortunately, my ‘new life’ only lasted a couple of years before moving back home. I still hadn’t found a job that would enable me to be independent. I hadn’t worked my ass off to earn a college degree just to go back to working in retail. Living with my daughter in a small apartment, I was growing more fearful that my age was the roadblock (and I was only getting older.) I was competing against much younger people in a larger area where I knew no one. Back home, Mom’s health was declining, and my partner was urging me to come back with the promise of change.
Ultimately, the first truly bold thing I attempted in my life was a bust. So, feeling deflated and defeated, I did what was safe. Not what I really wanted, but what seemed like the sensible choice.
Fast forward to Christmas 2023: I hadn’t put up a tree, baked cookies, or done any of the usual tasks associated with the holidays for nine years. After returning to my hometown, I continued to celebrate Christmas in Florida.
This year, I decided to stay home and spend the holidays with my ‘northern’ family. I enjoyed decorating the tree and seeing ornaments from all the different periods of my life, even the difficult ones.
From my children’s ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ to their homemade school ornaments, they serve as a reminder of not only Christmas Past but how far I’ve come.
Through the years, traditions change along with life circumstances. Nothing ever remains the same. I had to make adjustments along the way whether I wanted to or not. However, we must be willing to create new ones that ‘fit’ our lives and bring us joy in the present. It’s possible to do that and continue to honor the old ones.
Traditions are wonderful and evoke nostalgia but sometimes sadness, too. It’s always a reminder of those who are absent. All the relatives associated with my happy childhood memories are gone: parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.
But there are new ones now: friends, neighbors, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, and yes, my Substack community! These are the people who enrich my days and are helping me make new memories.
And for that, I am truly grateful! :)
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
“Change is hard, but CAN have positive results. If you have one, please share a new holiday tradition that brings you joy. This can help others who are struggling with changes in their own lives.”
LIFE MATTERS is a reader-supported publication (No Ads or Affiliate links). So please SUBSCRIBE to / and SHARE if you enjoy this weekly newsletter. Or, consider UPGRADING TO PAID to receive Private-Subscriber Only Posts + Bonus Content while supporting a small independent writer.
I'm learning to leave holiday traditions behind. Many if not most, aren't the same without those I spent precious moments with back then. I spent years trying to emulate and recreate the feelings I missed so much. All I created was sorrow and more tears left in the void.
This year was step one. I did nothing to celebrate Christmas; no tree, decorations, lights, and most importantly no gift exchanging. I felt relief for the first time in years. Next year I'll spend it elsewhere hopefully in a foreign country, or at least at a far distance from I'm currently living.
I have to adopt my long gone elderly mother's attitude she held fast to in her last years: "That was then, this is now." Wonderful words to remember in times of remembering days gone by, and leaving behind the sometimes sorrow that accompanies remembering the long gone past.
I've been following you for a year (I think) and the hurdles you've cleared and the distance you've come are remarkable.
Onwards, by all means.