Photo by Bannon Morrissy on Unsplash
The Itch
With a new year still underway, I'm amazed at how much of the old one I either haven't completed or forgotten.
I suppose it's partly age. Once you're over 50, the brain doesn't easily retain things. However, I suspect some of this is by design. I distinctly remember the bad haircut my mom gave me in 1969. My Apple password? Not a chance. Selective memory is funny that way.
There was the usual mix of highs and lows in 2021. We tragically lost a beloved pet but happily welcomed a new grandchild. Last spring's vaccine rollout brought back a measure of freedom, only to be threatened again with two pandemic variants and rising case counts.
There were some pretty dark moments, but also joyful ones as well. Like all the years before it, 2022 will be no different. Such is life. Such is life with Covid. Better just strap on your seatbelt (and mask) and get ready for the ride.
So, what is it about the end of the old year that stirs my emotions? Listening to Dan Fogelberg's Same Auld Lang Syne always makes me nostalgic. But in late December, it brings me to tears.
Could it be unfinished business? You know, the projects we intended to start but didn't. The goals we set but never reached. Attempts at changes that didn't succeed.
And I'm not referring to the basement, which is still a mess from last year. Nor the number on the bathroom scale that remains rudely stagnant. It's more profound than bodyweight and organizational skills. It goes back much farther than the past year.
While I would be thrilled to lose 20 pounds and finally organize the clutter, I don't think those are the things that gnaw at me. Instead, it's something else. Like an itch that needs scratching. But I can't seem to find it.
This has been an issue for most of my adult life. A nagging feeling that something is lacking. I didn't notice it as much when working full-time and raising a family. The days were non-stop: work, school, extracurriculars, dinner, house chores, and homework. Like most other folks, I crawled into bed exhausted, happy to be there. My sleep was deep and dreamless.
However, growing older has intensified the feeling that something went missing along the way. Maybe that's because I'm not crazy busy and have more time to think and reflect. But, on the other hand, perhaps this notion was always there, just buried under a mountain of other stuff.
For example, I dropped out of college many years ago, which set me on a different life path than I planned. It caused persistent feelings of failure and doomed me to lower-paying jobs for two decades. Nevertheless, I swore that I would eventually go back to school. That goal ultimately went on my bucket list.
Years later, at the ripe old age of 50, I finally earned that college degree. Of course, working full-time while attending university part-time was no easy task. Nevertheless, after a combined seven years of coursework, spread out over sixteen years, I graduated and felt delighted (and exhausted) with the "better late than never" accomplishment.
However, after some time passed, I noticed the satisfaction wearing off and a new itch starting.
The Antidote
It took years to figure out, but I believe this feeling comes from wanting and needing to do too much. Things that accumulated over the years. Things that I'll never get to because the clock is running out.
Small stuff like homemade cards and scrapbooking projects. Don't ask how many basement boxes mentioned above contain craft supplies (I could open a small shop.) This falls under the "want and needs to do" category.
Then there are more significant projects, such as preparing my end-of-life arrangements. That falls under the "I don't want to think about it" category (for obvious reasons.)
In between are many other things I'd like to experience before I die: more time with family, books, concerts, theater, travel, classes, self-improvement, home projects, etc. And the reason I can't do them all is a lack of time.
Time is the enemy when you reach midlife and beyond. You don't think much about it before then, but it's jarring to realize how much has passed. Suddenly, all the unfinished business takes on a glaring intensity against the sound of the ticking clock.
Once we accept this fact, we can prioritize what is most important and set about getting those things done. And the way to determine that is to ask ourselves the question:
If I died unexpectedly, what unfinished business is most important? Which things do I absolutely want to finish before I go?
I doubt it's the bathroom rack still in the box waiting to be assembled. Or the old tax returns that need shredded.
It comes down to the people we have unfinished business with. Whether it's an apology, an explanation, a proclamation of love, or a life-altering conversation, this task can tie up the loose ends that keep us feeling incomplete.
And the person we have the most unfinished business with could easily be ourselves. My sense of unfulfillment had more to do with me than the junk in the basement. I wasn't living up to my expectations due to a fear of failure, reinforced by a partner with substance abuse.
Our relationships with other people either lift us or tear us down. They contribute heavily to our self-image. Negative, selfish people sap our strength and steal our sense of self-worth. Positive people help us grow and build confidence. I've learned the hard way to surround myself with the latter and avoid the former.
I realize now the itch I felt was deciding who and what takes priority in life. Trying to live according to other people's expectations is a mistake. Our happiness can't be defined by anyone but ourselves.
I found the antidote is to embrace those people and things that enrich our lives. Spending time with them strengthens these bonds and reinforces the commitments that make us better people.
We might not accomplish everything on our to-do list. But the question of who and what matters is finally answered. And only then will the unfinished business be complete.
What’s your unfinished business? “I wanted to matter.” ~Author, Kim Fielding
Unfinished Business