3 Types of Anger: Which One Can Favorably Empower Your Life?
I heard the most dangerous type of anger is built inside someone with a good heart. ~@_shesdarkskiin
If you’re like me, you probably thought there was only one type of anger.
You know, the kind that makes us say things we later regret, gets our blood boiling and causes us to use words that we usually don’t.
But anger often masquerades as other emotions, such as fear and sadness. This can be hard to understand because of our preconceived notions of what these other feelings should look like.
When I think of someone who is afraid, I don’t see them as angry. I see them as being scared of something.
If it were a depressed or grieving person, wouldn’t they be tearful and sad?
Well, yes…and no.
Different people can experience the same emotions in varied ways. Until that time, I felt angry people were mad about something.
Consider the following:
Context - It depends on the situation and individual perceptions.
Cognitive - Our interpretation determines how we experience a situation.
Worldview - Life experiences and personality affect how emotions are perceived and expressed.
Blended emotions - It’s possible to experience a dominant emotion with secondary ones underlying that.
Physiological - Different emotions can share similar physical sensations, leading to confusion about the exact emotion at play.
Strangely enough, I first realized this when I read The Old Man and the Afternoon Cat to my children (which was about 35 years ago.)
The main character, a perpetually grumpy old loner, befriends a cat at the park. This relationship gives meaning to the elderly man’s life, something missing before, and positively changes his outlook.
His irritable personality resulted from loneliness. The old man's perspective brightened after bonding with this new furry friend. Following the kitty’s example, he reached out to others and ultimately made more friends (of the human persuasion).
The story and lesson are simple: some grouchy people may appear angry but are often sad and isolated. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but compassion goes a long way in most cases.
They need someone to reach out and care about them. Although the gentleman seems unapproachable to others, the kitty recognizes that he is alone, makes no predetermined judgments, and joins him on the park bench. That simple act began a friendship that enriched both of their lives.
(This was one of my favorite children’s books, and I highly recommend it for your children and grandchildren.) It teaches tolerance and kindness, something that’s often in short supply these days.
Dysregulated Anger
This occurs when we’re unable to feel the anger safely.
It stems from trauma in childhood or later in life: abuse (verbal, physical, and sexual) or an assault of some type. Something happens when we cannot defend ourselves from an attack.
This often causes the victim to become a bully, filled with hostility and rebellion. They continually feel frustration, impatience, self and other blame, and resentment.
Or, they live in denial of what happened and turn it inward as depression.
Healing comes when we can acknowledge and engage with the past. Depending on the severity, professional therapy may be needed.
Modulated Anger
People with this type of anger experience the same feelings as those with the dysregulated type.
However, they possess enough self-control to keep their anger in check by ignoring or trying to forget it, using inner self-talk to redirect their thoughts, or focusing on positive things.
Unlike dysregulated, they recognize and can share their feelings with trusted people under the right circumstances. This can lead to compromise, agreement, or forgiveness.
Because it’s more manageable, therapy isn’t necessarily required unless it begins to escalate and disrupt relationships or impacts daily life in negative ways.
Restorative Anger
The root word for restorative is the Latin word "restaurare," which means to repair, rebuild, or renew.
Of the three varieties, restorative anger permits us to feel the emotion without trying to control the situation or making excuses.
This is the kind that empowers us and affirms our self-worth.
It isn't easy to feel the enormity of our emotions and accept them while letting go of hatred or the desire for revenge. The human inclination is to control the circumstances of our lives, so releasing that need is difficult.
We must remind ourselves that anger is just a feeling. Once it’s acknowledged and approved, it can pass.
It’s also helpful to remember that other people, like you, have their own worldview based on their lived experiences. How someone is raised and any trauma encountered along the way will determine what type of anger they have and how they handle it.
This was a key element to my own recovery from codependence. I spent many years trying to “fix” my alcoholic husband, concealing his behavior and making excuses to spare our family any embarrassment. I tried to cover the unpaid bills by working, selling household goods, and going without needed items for our family. All that so he could continue drinking, smoking weed, and gambling on whatever sport was in season.
Which, of course, made me an extremely angry person.
Finally, realizing that my efforts enabled his bad habits, I began self-reflection and research, which are the hallmarks of personal growth. I experienced modulating anger for most of our marriage, redirecting my thoughts to the many, many responsibilities I had as a single parent. (Most addicts aren’t able to participate as a full-time parent.)
Everyone gets pissed off at times. I wrote a post about understanding anger that gives a brief overview. However, clarifying which type can help resolve it sooner rather than later!
QUESTION: How do you handle anger?
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Hugs for all the sacrifice you had to make. 😭
It’s a great way to reframe anger especially to dig into fears.