How Conquering Yourself Means Better Relationships and a Happier Life

Photo 97476569 / Plato © Viorel Dudau | Dreamstime.com

The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile. ~Plato

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Some of the toughest battles we fight are with ourselves.

Whether it's having that second piece of pie or getting the last word in a disagreement, we often act impulsively instead of deliberately with careful thought.

Everyday life is filled with external stress from our relationships, jobs, home responsibilities, etc. While it's impossible to control these outside circumstances, we can manage our attitudes about them.

I've written before about the need for self-reflection. Knowing who you truly are and why you behave the way you do is critical to building a better life and stronger connections. 

It's a common theme throughout my writing because it was directly responsible for my redemption. I lost many years of not knowing who I was and behaving in ways detrimental to my happiness and personal growth. 

I stayed in a relationship for all the wrong reasons because I didn't stand up for myself. But standing up for yourself is hard if you don't know who you are!

This was a tough lesson for me as a younger person. I was going along with the crowd and never considered if I was happy in the direction of my life.

At age 18, I suffered two separate instances of betrayal (one of which I wrote about here. As a result, I fell into a depression that lasted about seven years. Fortunately, it wasn't the severe type. But, as an insecure girl, I already disliked myself, and those unfortunate events compounded my negative self-image. 

We partied hard in those days (the late 70s/early 80s.) I'm convinced now that the copious amounts of alcohol, weed, and casual sex were a form of self-medication and punishment. I lost my self-worth and wanted to numb the misery.

I wasn't thinking or planning for the future, operating solely on autopilot. Coping with the pain of those deceptions was more than I could handle. I'm sorry that I didn't seek professional help. It would have taught me self-reflection and provided the skills to change, sparing me heartache.

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ACTION vs. REACTION

Truly understanding ourselves explains why we react to certain people and situations in the ways we do. This awareness helps us harness those automatic emotions and use reasoning when making decisions. 

But where do these automatic emotions come from? If a given experience or person causes an adverse reaction, we'll associate the next similar encounter with suspicion and distrust. 

Sometimes simply thinking about the person/incident triggers negative feelings. This is called generalization of learning and can reinforce the self-defeating behaviors that often result. 

However, we must consciously want to develop the ability to stop this self-sabotage, which requires changing our thoughts.

None of us is 100% right all the time. Our different worldviews and histories shape our opinions and beliefs. We certainly have unique perceptions of things, but that doesn't necessarily mean the other person is wrong. It means your experience and theirs are different, as well as the impressions that go along with them.

Photo by Matthew Jones on Unsplash

If I had been more self-aware, I could've handled those situations rationally rather than emotionally. Instead of drawing the wrong conclusions and/or blaming myself, I would've asked hard questions and gotten the facts. Could've, would've, should've.  

When we think of being victorious, it's usually in the context of winning a competition with someone else. But, many hard-fought victories involve mastering ourselves. 

Realizing our habit of viewing not only ourselves but other people and ideas in specific ways helps us identify which areas we need to work on. 

However, suppose we remain rigid in our opinions and unwilling to listen to another's point of view. In that case, we're destined to stay stuck. As a result, no personal growth is possible. 

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So, why do people choose ignorance over enlightenment? I believe it's due to familiarity and fear. 

Stepping outside our comfort zone and being vulnerable requires a lot of courage. We want to feel safe, and that's more easily achieved in a familiar environment. Being vulnerable means admitting we're "less than perfect." 

Research professor Brene Brown warns that perfectionism shouldn't be confused with self-improvement. In this interview with Forbes magazine, she comments that healthy striving is self-focused: how can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: what will they think?

To be conquered by our own negativity and narrow-mindedness is truly a shame. But it doesn't have to be that way. Conquering those demons requires honesty about our fears and failings, which isn't easy. But nevertheless, we must acknowledge our weaknesses and work to overcome them. 

If I had focused on these other people's struggles instead of solely my own (and they were struggling), I might not have suffered so much. Compassion was needed for all of us and could've been the balm to soothe many wounds.

Knowing ourselves better often changes perspectives. Rather than seeing everything in black and white, we learn to recognize the many nuanced shades of gray. 

Once we can see through a neutral lens, our feelings and attitudes will evolve toward more accurate perceptions. Then we gain clarity about other people and their life stories, including our own.

INCLUDED BELOW:

• The 2005 music video of R&B singer Patti Labelle performing ‘New Attitude.’ The lyrics encourage listeners to think positively and make better decisions to improve their life circumstances. It’s an uplifting tune that will get your toes tapping!

• The resident House Panther checks in.

• The Sample (referral link) is a great resource for finding new writers covering a wide range of topics. You can sign up with one click if you happen to find one you like.

• If you enjoyed the article, please support my work with a Like, Share, Comment, or Subscribe for free!

• Most of all, thanks for being here…hope to see you next time.

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LYRICS - New Attitude

Running hot
Running cold
I was running into overload
That was extreme.

I took it so high so low so long
There was no where to go like a bad dream.

Somehow that wires uncrossed
The table were turned
Never knew I had such a lesson to learn.

I'm feeling good from my hat to my shoe
Know where I am going and I know what to do
I've tidied up my point of view
I've got a new attitude.

I'm in control
My worries are few
'Cause I got love like I never knew
Ooh oh ooo oh
I've got a new attitude

I am wearing a new dress a new hat
Brand ideas
As a matter of fact
I've changed for good.

Must have been the cold nights new moon
Night changes
Or forget your love for just being like I should

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The House Panther oversees a basement cleanup.

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