Life Isn't Linear

It's Filled With Ups, Downs, and Plenty of In-Betweens

Mar 14, 2023

woman in white dress walking on track and field — Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash

Life is a mixed blessing, which we vainly try to unmix. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook

I don’t often dwell on the past and always assumed it’s because I’m too busy living in the present.

Like most people, I have many wonderful memories of family, friends, and the time spent with them. They fall into various periods like childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, etc. Once in a while, something triggers déjà vu, like a conversation or a look at old photos. But I seldom spend time thinking back on my life and the people who played various roles in it.

While the experiences gained through the passage of time help to educate us about many things, time also has a way of either:

1) Muting significant recollections, or

2) Erasing the millions of other moments that make up our lives.

But March 2020 was a month that hasn’t faded, and one I’ll never forget. I was working in an afterschool program when we heard about a highly contagious virus that originated in China and had made its way to the United States. It was deemed a serious threat to the public, and we received word that schools and non-essential businesses were closing for two weeks. Little did we know that impromptu ‘vacation’ would stretch on for months.

I got to thinking about the pandemic and how it affected our lives in large and small ways:

Wearing masks
Socially distancing ourselves
Wiping down groceries picked up outside the store or delivered to our front doors
Isolating ourselves at home
Canceling holidays, celebrations, and social gatherings of all types

Looking back, the circumstances were pretty dire, and I recall feelings of fear and confusion. And it’s not really over as some folks suffer with after-effects and the grief of losing loved ones.

I was grateful that my parents had passed away before Covid hit. They both spent their last days in nursing homes, and the thought of not seeing them through those months of lockdown is terrible. My Dad died in 2015, and my Mom three years later.

Those were tough years, too. Dad’s battle with dementia began long before we knew what was happening. His diagnosis in 2013 explained a lot of strange behaviors he’d begun to exhibit and the reason for his repeated falls. I spent the next two years taking him to doctors, specialists, physical therapy, and the hospital (when the falls resulted in more serious injuries.)

Watching him decline was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. He was a little girl’s hero, the man who could take on everything from large spiders to the monsters lurking under the bed. In later years, I could count on his help with hanging blinds and chauffeuring the kids when I had to work. He loved spending time with his grandchildren, and I think (on some level) was making up for his absence as a young father.

His death was followed the next year by the election of the most corrupt, boorish, inarticulate, and unintelligent president in the history of our country. I was so alarmed by the rise of hatred and rejection of the rule of law that I literally became addicted to the news. The negativity was overwhelming. I hadn’t recovered from the loss of my Dad and was thrust into another high-anxiety situation. It sounds extreme, but I was convinced our country was facing a clear and present danger, and still do. These days I limit how much exposure I get.

At the same time, my Mom’s health began to deteriorate. It was like starting all over again. While Mom had her cognitive abilities intact, she was losing mobility due to the COPD she’d suffered from for over twenty years. The compromised breathing caused her world to shrink. No longer able to travel or even go out of the house (except for doctor appointments), she accepted her situation but not without regret. It got to her sometimes, and she would become angry and resentful. This was difficult for everyone, and her final years were not what I wanted for my Mom.

Thinking back over these events of the past ten years left me feeling quite sad. In addition, the minor aches and pains that come with growing older and the October 2022 diagnosis of CLL1 are a bitter reminder that our time is finite.

But then I realized that amidst all that anguish, there were some marvelous developments, as well. No one became seriously ill from Covid. My younger son got married, and I gained a lovely, kind-hearted daughter-in-law. I became a grandma three times, and the joy those little people bring me is immeasurable!

Two granddaughters and one grandson; all under 4 yrs. old — The Grandkids :)

Life isn’t linear, and I needed to remind myself of that fact. There will always be good and bad days, happiness and grief. The best we can do when facing tough times is to focus on our blessings and find comfort in all the things that enrich our lives. And if we look hard, we’ll recognize there are many more than we realize.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasure... ~Thornton Wilder, The Woman of Andros, 1930

Life Isn't Linear

It's Filled With Ups, Downs, and Plenty of In-Betweens

Discussion about this post