Optimism Bias
The 'Personal Fables' We Tell Ourselves
While The Little Engine That Could is classified as a folktale, it also contains some elements of a fable, which include symbolism, anthropomorphization, lessons, and humor. It’s a tale of perseverance, optimism, and the power of positive thinking. I often read it to my children as a means to teach them the importance of working together toward a common goal. Or, as they say today, “Teamwork makes the dream work.”
Optimism came easily to me as a child and young adult. Those were carefree days, unencumbered with grownup worries and responsibilities. The biggest hurdles were memorizing multiplication tables and keeping up with my brother and his friends when we rode bikes to the park.
Time was also a factor; it seemed to pass more slowly. In those days, a year felt like forever. This gave the impression that one had ‘all the time in the world,’ so I often put off chores and homework until the last minute, never worried that I wouldn’t finish them.
Even during the darkest years of my adult life, when pessimism was a constant companion, I somehow managed to maintain some optimism. I believed that my husband’s alcoholism would be remedied with adequate amounts of love, patience, and sex. I thought if I went back to work, my wages could make up for the portion of income he spent gambling and drinking, and the fights over money would end. I thought he'd give up the destructive habits if the house were clean, the laundry was done, dinner was on the table, and the kids were quiet.
(Spoiler Alert: Recovery belongs solely to the addict and no one else. My efforts were fruitless.)
It’s helpful to understand human psychology and why we lean more toward sanguinity than cynicism, even when the chips are down:
Optimism bias is a mistaken belief that our chances of experiencing negative events in life are lower and that our chances of experiencing positive events are higher than those of our peers.1
This kind of irrational denial is widespread among young adults. My friends and I engaged in risky behaviors, somehow believing we were invincible. Even after losing a classmate to a motorcycle accident and watching another battle cancer, we didn’t think the bad stuff could touch us.
Interestingly, optimism bias is common and transcends gender, ethnicity, nationality, and age.2
Toxic positivity, a step up from denial, is optimism on steroids. It’s the pressure only to display positive emotions, suppressing any negative emotions, feelings, reactions, or experiences. It negates human experience and can lead to trauma, isolation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.3
Living in denial and toxic positivity are not the same as optimism. Neither one is realistic nor healthy. True optimism is an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome.4
This doesn’t mean you throw reality out the window. It means we must accept challenges and obstacles with a hopeful perspective and the will to live our best lives despite them.
And there will be plenty of troubles that come our way. For me, it’s been codependency, a long-term toxic relationship, divorce, and rehabilitating my life. At the beginning of those three decades, when I realized that my husband’s ‘bad moods’ were something more serious, I remained hopeful. Surely, he would recognize the need to change, and with children and a wife willing to support his efforts, that would ultimately happen.
I didn’t sugar-coat our situation but lived in denial, believing that if I didn’t give up, he’d eventually stop drinking. I wrote a post about why (in some cases) giving up is the smart thing to do. You can read it here.
Eventually, as the years passed and the disease progressed, my hope for his recovery died. Along with it was the faith I’d ever be able to walk away. It seemed impossible to cover all the costs of being a single parent without an adequate income. Child support would help but couldn’t pay for a second household.
That was the fatal blow to my self-esteem, which had gone missing years before. I’d been working full-time while earning a college degree that I thought would buy me freedom. But the constant verbal abuse eroded any measure of confidence and hope that I did have until there was nothing left.
He that lives upon hope will die fasting. ~Benjamin Franklin
I felt broken and incredibly empty, with no options. Still, I threatened to leave and take the kids, hoping to scare him into recovery. It didn’t work mainly because he knew I didn’t have the means or a place to go. That would change in time.
The optimism bias is a double-edged sword. While overly positive assumptions can lead to unfortunate decisions, they also protect and inspire our choices. To move forward, we must be able to imagine better outcomes and have the the ability to reach them.
From a physical standpoint, science tells us that humans are hardwired for hope. Research suggests it may be associated with networks in the frontal cortex. Further, this area, particularly the prefrontal cortex, has been implicated in concepts closely related to hope, including optimism and positive thinking.5
Today, as a 62-year-old, my mantra is “Don’t tempt fate.” That’s one advantage of growing older. Through the years, you experience tragedies and losses, watch others endure their own, and slowly begin to realize that bad things CAN happen to you.
I have matured into someone I never dreamed I would become: an unbridled optimist who sees the glass as always full of something. It may be half full of water, precious in itself, but in the other half, there's a rainbow that could exist only in the vacant space. ~Alice Walker
But, as time passes, you also gain a greater perspective and appreciation for life and all it offers: the good and the bad, the beauty and the ugliness. I believe it’s a waste of time to look at the glass as half-empty when you can remain cautiously optimistic and chase rainbows instead! 🌈 🌈
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WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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Excellent essay! The first step in solving a problem is seeing and naming it. Toxic positivity doesn't allow that first step, so problems can't be solved.
"Toxic positivity, a step up from denial, is optimism on steroids." I've never even heard of this expression or that it's a 'thing.' Now I'm going to have to go back to the therapist and talk about it... I'm certain I was delusional, and may have 'left-overs' from this way of thinking. This read a a big eye-opener and one I need to reread and think about.
I was always of the mindset that I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst—and of course was always accused of being negative—and at some point changed over (I suspect) to this toxic positivity business. Ha, just when I thought I had it figured out.