The Art of Self-Reflection
You CAN Believe the Hype
We hear a lot about the advantages of self-reflection, but have you ever tried it?
Many of us don’t bother unless something uncommon happens, like a sudden change or the loss of something (or someone) important.
It’s not a quick, easy task, and we all like things to be quick and easy (like recipes and assembly instructions). Unfortunately, it involves more than ‘three simple ingredients’ or a Phillips-Head screwdriver.
Taking a long, hard look at ourselves requires time and brutal honesty, both of which are often in short supply. Back when I was still living in a harmful environment, it was all I could do to get through the day. Working full-time and raising a family against the backdrop of alcoholism (while trying to maintain a sense of normalcy) pretty much sapped my strength and spirit.
Convinced the problems lay solely with my husband, I assumed HE would have to change. It never occurred to me to look within myself for answers. I mistakenly turned over control to him, believing that a happy life was something only he could provide.
It pains me now to type that sentence, knowing what I learned by carefully examining myself.
But honesty is complicated. I found there are two types when assessing oneself:
Surface (External) Honesty - This is the basic stuff easily seen and understood: my roots need retouching, I’m 15 lbs. overweight, I’m not punctual, and I avoid confrontation.
Deep (Internal) Honesty - This is more difficult and demands closer evaluation: why are the roots and pounds out of control, why am I always late, and why do I give in so easily to others?
Definitely a lot to unpack there!
What is self-reflection?
Also known as personal reflection, it’s taking the time to think about, meditate on, evaluate, and seriously consider your behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, motivations, and desires. It’s diving deep into these areas and determining the great “Why?” behind them.
Absent any type of introspection, we go through life without evaluating whether things are going well. We don’t stop to analyze and determine what is working and what is not. We get comfortable, or as Pink Floyd sang: ‘comfortably numb.’1
The sad result is that we frequently get stuck in unhealthy jobs, relationships, and situations.
The resulting dissatisfaction causes problems that we sometimes attribute to the wrong things:
“I hate my job because I’m overworked and underpaid.”
“My relationship is boring because my partner is only interested in sports.”
“I want to eat healthier but don’t have time to cook.”
A closer look at these complaints reveals that the problem isn’t the job, relationship, or lack of time. It’s the person who isn’t willing to make the necessary changes to resolve the problem.
I’m not being judgey here…I stayed stuck myself in the following ways:
a long-term toxic marriage
a low-paying job
a post-marriage relationship that was going nowhere
My goal isn’t to berate anyone; it’s to help others see that they can transform their lives. However, that’s incredibly difficult to believe and/or do when you’re struggling to survive emotionally.
But incredibly difficult doesn’t mean impossible.
It took me twenty years to realize this, and I don’t want others to lose precious time that can’t be reclaimed.
The Benefits of Self-Reflection
Self-awareness - This is a primary component of emotional intelligence, which helps you recognize and understand your emotions and their impact on thoughts and behavior.
Sense of control - Requires mindfulness, which helps you feel grounded and in control.
Alignment with core values - Understanding your beliefs and the why behind them ensures that your behavior corresponds with your core values. This also reduces cognitive dissonance caused by not aligning your behavior with your beliefs.
Communication skills - Understanding your feelings helps you express yourself more effectively, which benefits relationships.
Decision-making skills - Knowing yourself more helps you evaluate all options and make sound decisions.
Accountability - It’s easier to recognize personal responsibility when you can assess your actions honestly.2
This list helps me understand why my life was so complicated. I lacked every one of these bullet points, essentially crippling my chances for recovery and a happier life.
That is until I finally gave myself the grace to let go and start over. It was painful and hard but hugely transformative.
I urge anyone in an unhealthy environment to rediscover their original soul (you know, that person you were before all the bullshit started). This begins and ends with self-reflection, and I can attest to the fact that:
It’s definitely worth the hype!
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“Are you living true to yourself? If not, what could you change to achieve that?”
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Lovely post. I can feel the pain. At one time or another, we have all felt that pain; pointed the finger at someone else or at a situation and realized much later that that wasn't the answer. Grace is always there, sometimes just out of sight around the corner, but always there. Letting go of our pain does not come easily, but that's when Grace appears and pulls us back from drowning.
Taking responsibility for one's role in what they are complaining about/