Unexpected Gifts
Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. ~ Mary Oliver
For as long as humans have told stories, light and dark have been used as metaphors to represent good and evil.
Light typically represents knowledge, truth, and transparency, while darkness is associated with ignorance, obscurity, and mystery.
When we think of light, what comes to mind? Sunshine, stars, fire, and candles—things that offer clarity, warmth, and beauty.
Conversely, the dark is associated with nighttime, shadows, storm clouds, or anything frightening. (For example, a dark basement in a deserted old house.)
Despite being opposites, they are interdependent. The existence of one depends on the presence of the other, creating a duality.
How could we possibly recognize one without knowing the other?
The quote above is from Oliver’s poem “The Uses of Sorrow” and describes painful experiences such as the death of a loved one, divorce, or a broken friendship. The poem highlights the possibility of finding hope amid turmoil.
Although there are joyful memories, every relationship faces challenges. They may be substantial, including job loss, financial trouble, betrayal, or serious illness, which can disrupt an otherwise happy life.
The hurdles can also be minor ones that sometimes drive a family member or friend crazy. For example, they never put the seat down, and there’s always hair in the sink. Could they be on time for once, and do I really have to hear the same story again?
These are the dark parts of the union.
Unless you’re a hopeless optimist, the negative aspects of all relationships have a way of taking center stage. We forget, dismiss, trivialize, and take for granted the many great qualities our loved ones possess.
Only after they’re gone do we realize how insignificant those minor complaints were and how even the most significant problems pale in comparison to their loss.
But what if someone deliberately chooses darkness as their gift to you?
The kind that leaves you numb and void of any feelings at all?
I experienced this in my marriage. The box of darkness he gave me, which had been with me for over 20 years, extended throughout our relationship, long before I escaped.
That might sound a bit dramatic, but between his addiction, daily verbal abuse, and my codependence, it was nothing short of a miracle. I was held hostage by the complicated emotional train wreck that was our union, never realizing that I had the key to my shackles.
It’s hard for those who haven’t experienced this to understand why people continue in these toxic situations.
All I can say is that it’s complicated. Really complicated.
That box of darkness was so big and deep that I couldn’t see the bottom.
When I left, my happiest memories of our time together all centered around our three children. The alcoholism infected his relationships with everyone, and he refused to consider therapy for our fractured family and his addiction. That refusal destroyed any chance for recovery and healing.
Ending the relationship didn’t magically resolve the problems. He continued drinking, and I continued looking for approval from other people.
It took another ten years of intense self-reflection and more ‘hard knocks’ to learn the invaluable lesson of self-respect and healthy boundaries.
I’ve written posts about both:
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like
The juxtaposition of light and darkness is at the heart of Mary Oliver’s quote.
There can be no light without darkness.
Therefore, our unhappiness ultimately helps to shape the extent of our joy.
If you’ve experienced pain, chaos, financial strife, and other hardships, you’ll appreciate peace and stability much more than if you’ve been living on “Easy Street.”
A familiar analogy is, “You can’t appreciate the sunshine without the rain.”
Building strength requires regular training, which uses resistance to increase muscle strength and endurance. Without it, we become weaker and more easily succumb to opposing forces.
In other words, we get soft.
However, overcoming adversity (resistance) builds resilience and confidence. When the next hurdle arises, you’re better equipped to handle it.
My ex-husband gave me some good memories, especially at the beginning of our relationship. The best things he gave me were our children. For them, I’ll always be grateful.
Unfortunately, as his disease progressed through the years, the darkness grew. Just as blinding light obstructs our vision, so does blinding darkness. I couldn’t see the proverbial forest for the trees on how to extricate myself from the poisonous union we’d built.
However, with much self-reflection and self-study, I learned to think clearly and feel confident. My whole attitude changed, and attitude indeed determines how we’ll manage what life throws at us, both good and bad.
Because of this, anything given is an opportunity to grow, even if it’s a box full of darkness.
LIFE MATTERS is a reader-sponsored publication (No ads or affiliate links). If you enjoyed this post, your encouragement & support in any of the following ways is greatly appreciated!
I lived with a roommate in college. I've since graduated but when we were getting used to each other she wasn't the cleanest person in the world, certainly not up to my standards of cleanliness. Over time as we got used to each other I decided her kind and warm nature outweighed our differences in cleanliness standards and I think of myself as very fortunate to have had her as a roommate (especially after hearing the horror stories other people have to endure).
Thanks for the poignant reminder that "anything given is an opportunity to grow..."