Embracing Anger

How to Harness the Volatility and Empower Your Life

Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash

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Greetings to all new subscribers…I’m so glad you’re here!

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. ~Dr. Harriet Lerner

I recently wrote a brief post about anger, explaining its origins, the five stages, and how to handle it. I followed up with another post discussing the three types of anger and which one could empower your life.

Today’s post discusses managing this volatile emotion and how tricky that can be, depending on the circumstances.

We encounter small, daily frustrations, but should we lose our tempers over every little thing? Shouldn’t we save the subsequent (negative) physical and emotional effects for the more serious episodes?

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Physical and Emotional Effects of Anger

The parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are components of the autonomic (acting or occurring involuntarily) nervous system.

The parasympathetic system, often called “rest and digest,” regulates involuntary bodily functions during a relaxed state. 

The sympathetic system triggers the body’s “fight or flight” response to stressful or dangerous situations. However, prolonged activation is unhealthy, which is why people experiencing constant stress often face various physical and emotional problems. 

It’s important to remember that anger is closely related to fear and depression.

Fear can lead to anger, which can be a way to deal with feelings of vulnerability. Likewise, depression can cause hostile outbursts.

Physical Effects

• Chest pain/racing heart

• Trouble sleeping/Fatigue

• Headache, dizziness, shaking

• Hypertension

• Muscle tension/Jaw clenching

• Stomach/Digestive issues

• Low Libido/Depression

Emotional Effects

• Anxiety

• Irritability

• Depression

• Panic Attacks

• Worry

• Loss of Control

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Those of us who have lived or are currently in a chronically stressful situation will suffer some of the effects mentioned above. There’s no escaping it. The level and frequency of fear and/or anger largely determine how long a person can tolerate the circumstances.

Living full-time with a verbally abusive alcoholic didn’t offer much reprieve. I also worked forty hours a week for most of those two decades, but on-the-job frustrations took the place of the verbal assaults I had temporarily escaped at home.

Despite this, I was grateful to get out of the house, especially when he was laid off for extended periods during the winter months.

Think about that.

The one place that is supposed to be your refuge becomes the source of your pain.

When you feel sick, afraid, depressed, and generally unhappy, where do you prefer to be?

Most of us want to be in our safe space, which is our home. The secure, familiar haven where we feel the most comfortable. Unfortunately, many people don’t have that luxury. In my case, it was neither safe nor comfortable when he was there.

Emotionally, I felt paralyzed. I was accused of causing our problems and manipulated whenever I pointed out inconsistencies in his statements or questioned anything.

The only physical effect I remember experiencing was a low libido. But it wasn’t a lack of estrogen or interest in sex. My drive was strong, but I felt repulsed by any physical contact with him.

Intimacy doesn’t exist in these types of dysfunctional relationships. 

Years later, reflecting on it, I realized we never shared our deepest thoughts or dreams. There were no mutual goals, and we had nothing in common anymore. The absence of intimacy was painfully evident in areas beyond the bedroom.

Most longtime couples understand what makes their partners happy or fearful; we never did. There were no heart-to-heart conversations, even during the terminal illnesses of his parents and other tragic events.

We stood side by side but were worlds apart.

Regarding the emotional effects, I suffered from all of them, except for panic attacks. I had low-level anxiety, walking on eggshells whenever he was around. Some of the most mundane things could set him off, so I kept our exchanges basic.

The irritability I felt resulted from his cruel treatment and the ensuing arguments. I worried about everything: finances, our kids, my ability to maintain normalcy, and how he’d behave at the next public outing.

It was, quite simply, a living hell.

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Everyone’s situation is different, but alcoholism is a progressive disease. If it doesn’t stop, it will get worse.

The volatility had grown, and there was no way for me to get control of it. He wouldn’t agree to therapy of any kind, even after admitting that he had a drinking problem.

Some addicts threatened with the loss of a home, loved one, family, job, etc., will reach out for help and try to change. Mine never did.

Whether you’re the addict or someone who loves an addict:

• Recognizing there is a problem and seeking professional help is the only way to stop the rising levels of anger and potential violence.

• Empowering yourself involves dedicating time to personal growth and embracing self-love.

There is no shame in admitting you’ve made poor choices. We all do at times. The shame comes in when you recognize the addiction and choose to do nothing to resolve it.

I believed change was his responsibility. I didn’t realize that as a codependent enabling his destructive behavior, I also had to change. And so I did.

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