Happily Ever After

But Only If You've Done Your Homework

Photo by Marc A. Sporys on Unsplash

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I pity all newlyweds. She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think: How easy marriage is. ~Mignon McLaughlin

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I suppose it’s the cynic in me to assume that all newly married people have stars in their eyes (I sure did).

Or is it?

Only time will tell how careful they were in choosing a mate who they’ll spend their entire lives with. Well, that’s the goal, anyway. Some folks choose well (the rest of us, not so much).

Falling in love is incredibly easy. Everything’s exciting and new, while nothing is old and stale. A simple phone call from our lover causes the heart to race. There are no expectations, and hair in the sink or toilet seats perpetually upright aren’t even on the radar. The very things that eventually cause major arguments seem so…cute.

Staying married is the challenge. Half of all first-time marriages end in divorce, while subsequent unions fail at even higher rates. The reason cited by a whopping 75% of couples is…wait for it…

Lack of commitment.

Wait,…what? A lack of commitment? What do people think this is, a drinking game they can walk away from once they get their fill?

Merriam-Webster defines a Vow as:

• (noun): A solemn promise or assertion.

• (verb): To bind or consecrate by a vow.

A typical and traditional wedding vow goes something like this:

…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death.

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So, where is the confusion regarding this lifetime contract? The following is a breakdown of the various reasons respondents gave for their breakup:

• Lack of commitment 75%

• Infidelity 60%

• Too much conflict/arguing 58%

• Getting married too young 45%

• Financial problems 37%

• Substance abuse 35%

• Domestic violence 24%

• Lack of support from family 18%

• Health problems 17%

• Religious differences 13%

• Lack of premarital education 13%¹

Based on this list, I’m guessing one or both parties didn’t read the fine print.

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I started dating my ex-husband at the tender age of 15 and spent the next three decades with him. I walked away after 30 years and divorced him in year #32. The sheer longevity of the relationship was part of the reason I stayed. You don’t just throw in the towel after all that time!

I was committed to my vow and believed in the “quitters never win and winners never quit” ideology. (You can find more details about why that isn’t the best approach in this prior post.)

I also had three children to consider. How would a separation/divorce impact their lives?

However, I had every right to leave under the circumstances at the time. Hubby’s substance abuse led to other reasons listed above: too much conflict, financial problems, domestic violence (verbal abuse), and infidelity.

In fact, it would’ve been better if I had left sooner. But, you know…hindsight.

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I write this because I was over-committed (to my own detriment), and so many people are under-committed. After researching gowns, cakes, flowers, venues, invitations, etc., the happy couple neglects to discuss ‘trivial’ things like money management, potential children, and religious expectations.

After a small fortune is invested in endless wedding minutiae, no one thinks to invest in premarital counseling. A wedding only lasts a day, while a marriage is supposed to last a lifetime.

For the record:

• I didn’t spend enough time thinking about my own decision to tie the knot. We had dated for nine years, and I was pregnant, so (in my mind) the writing was on the wall. There were indistinct warning signs, but I didn’t recognize them for what they were.

• We also had a small wedding: immediate family only, married by the town mayor, small dinner at a local restaurant. I bought my dress at J.C. Penneys, the cake was a small, one-layer, and I carried a bouquet picked from my mother-in-law’s yard.

Fortunately, there are still folks that demonstrate what true commitment looks like. The couple below are regulars at the local park. Easily in their late 70s or early 80s, they always hold hands. I like to imagine that they’ve been together forever, sharing a home, children, grandchildren, and a history. I imagine that they did their homework.

But, hell…for all I know, this might be a third marriage, both having left their prior spouses for each other with more blended families full of resentful adult children (worried about their inheritances) than they can shake a stick at.

But they walk daily and always hold hands (and not knowing anything else for sure) I do believe that’s commitment!

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Thanks for reading Life Matters.

Next week’s post is about attachments and how they create problems if we’re too invested in them. I’ll focus on people, beliefs, assumptions, and everything we accumulate that no longer sparks joy (I’m channeling Marie Kondo here.)

See you next time!

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WHAT DO YOU THINK?

“Do you believe that living together before marriage is a good idea? Why or why not?”

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1. forbes.com