Greetings everyone!
I originally planned to take off two weeks, but that unexpectedly turned into three. I hope you enjoyed the posts from the Archive. They were a repeat for the earliest subscribers but a first-time read for those of you who signed on after they were published (unless you happen to read the back issues, too.)
Today’s newsletter focuses on attachment styles in children. As you read through the list of warning signs for attachment disorders, consider some of the children you know: family, friends, neighborhood kids. Do you recognize any of the behaviors listed below?
In the prior posts of August 22 and August 29, I wrote about attachments in general terms and then an introduction to the psychological concept. These followed on the heels of childhood emotional neglect (CEN), something I thought I understood but didn’t.
At face value, the reader assumes it refers to children who received no love or nurturing. I pictured an unclean baby left for hours in a soiled diaper, ignored for the most part until its cries of hunger force the negligent caregiver to turn their attention to him or her.
However, that’s not always the case. CEN occurs in the most well-intentioned families and centers more on the communication that occurs (or doesn’t occur) between caregiver and child.
A parent can meet the physical needs of their children with great diligence: good hygiene, clean diapers, healthy meals, nice clothes, and toys to entertain the youngster. And yet, they may ignore the need for direct, one-on-one expressions of love and connection. Repeated feelings of isolation or abandonment teach the child that they can’t depend on others, making the world scary and unpredictable.
Some of the reasons why this happens:1
A crying baby signals that they are hungry, need a diaper change, or need interaction with their parent. If no one responds or only responds occasionally, they won’t learn to trust others.
Nobody acknowledges the baby through holding, smiling, or talking, and the child feels isolated. Or, they learn that extreme behavior is the only way to get attention.
The child is abused or traumatized in some way.
The child is unexpectedly separated from the parent.
The child is constantly moved from one caregiver to another due to losing the parent, foster care, adoption, etc.
Depending on the degree of neglect, this results in varying levels of these attachment issues. I was intimidated about approaching my siblings regarding their troubled memories of our parents. I didn’t want them to think I was being disrespectful, so I prefaced my questions with the confirmation of that fact. As a family, we share plenty of happy memories.
However, they were forthcoming and provided additional examples and insight into their own experiences as kids growing up in our house. Interestingly, we’ve never talked openly about our feelings on this subject, only the happy memories. After several conversations about Mom and Dad’s childhoods, we realized they had their own struggles growing up.
No one is a perfect parent 100% of the time because we’re human. We get distracted and have many family, job, and house responsibilities. It’s no wonder we snap at our kids when they talk over us sometimes or put off their requests to ‘come play with me.’ If everyone could afford a housekeeper, cook, lawn service, etc., more time could be spent with the little ones!
But as long as we devote time regularly attending to our children’s needs, they will likely enjoy a secure attachment with their parents.
The last two bullet points below (taken from the list above) describe what I believe caused my stay-at-home mother to be emotionally inaccessible at times:
Sometimes a child's needs are met, and sometimes they aren't. The child never knows what to expect.
The primary caregiver is emotionally unavailable because of depression, illness, or substance abuse.
Some readers may not understand my purpose for exploring this topic: that somehow it IS disrespectful to question your parents and how they raised you. But I have serious concerns that pertain to how I felt growing up and, more importantly, why.
If I loved my parents, why didn’t I feel close to my Mom? Why didn’t she verbally express her love for us or show more physical affection? She displayed little interest in spending time with me. There was no ‘girls’ day out’ shopping, going to lunch, or seeing a movie.
I assumed it was because she was busy.
Why was I terrified of my Dad but felt secure that he would take care of and protect me? What a confusing paradox for a small child! He often showed affection and said, ‘I love you,’ but his actions sometimes spoke differently.
I figured he was tired from work, and we occasionally made him angry (despite being on our best behavior when he was around.)
That’s where I had trouble. I realize now that Mom had some level of depression. It wasn’t serious enough that she couldn’t function well, but she had nothing extra to give. Her own childhood wasn’t easy.
The same goes for my Dad. He had a fierce temper that was ignited by anything he perceived as rejection or insubordination, which was a form of rejection of his rules.
I’m working on several essays detailing how their childhoods affected their adult relationships later in life. These will be available for Private Subscribers in upcoming newsletters.
After the first two years of life, a child’s attachment style is firmly entrenched. By the time they reach school age, certain behaviors confirm if there are any attachment disorders:2
Bullying
Extreme clinginess
Failure to smile
Intense bursts of anger
Lack of eye contact
Lack of fear of strangers
Lack of affection for caregivers
Oppositional behaviors
Poor impulse control
Self-destructive behaviors
Watching others play but refusing to join in
Withdrawn or listless moods
Growing up is hard. Inconsistent messaging from caregivers leads to confusion and doubt. Prior generations had a ‘tough love’ approach that didn’t allow for earnest conversations about the child’s feelings and fears. ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ was a familiar refrain back then.
We’ve since learned that it’s not the most effective way to parent. Acknowledging a child’s feelings and honest communication is the better way. That’s not to say we should let kids walk all over us and give them everything they want. They need loving guidance, boundaries, and rules. And there needs to be consequences when they break the rules. Because that’s how the world works, and it’s our job as adults to teach them.
But it’s also our job to raise emotionally and physically healthy adults. That requires quality time on the part of the caretakers.
Prioritizing children while they’re young over other less important tasks will likely save a lot of energy and heartache when they’re older.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
“Are children (and the adults they become) more inclined to be a result of nature or nurture?”
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