Raising Emotionally Healthy Children
It Requires Emotionally Healthy Adults. Are We Lacking?
Every boy wants someone older than himself to whom he may go in moods of confidence and yearning. The neglect of this child's want by grown people . . . is a fertile source of suffering. ~Henry Ward Beecher
Like most kids, I saw my parents as all-knowing. They seemed to possess answers to so many questions. Their capabilities knew no bounds: Mom could prepare an entire meal without looking at a single recipe. Dad knew how to fix the car, lawnmower, and pretty much anything around the house that needed repairs. They knew how to solve problems and never ran out of money.
As little kids, we trust adults to know all the things we haven’t learned yet. They’re in control because they have the experience and expertise; they’re grownups! That, in turn, means that we trust them to do what’s right. That we believe they truly know what’s best.
So, when my otherwise loving father yelled at me for stuttering, I thought I deserved it. Apparently, I was behaving badly every time I tripped over my words. And yet, I wasn’t trying to be bad; actually, I was trying very hard to enunciate correctly. His anger only made things worse, and I experienced fear and confusion every time it happened. Luckily, this near-miss with a speech impediment eventually worked itself out.
My Mom liked to hide from us until she heard panic in our voices, then jump out, laughing. The problem was that we weren’t playing hide and seek. We’d sit at the table having a snack, and she’d ‘go missing.’ That also caused bewilderment, which I wrote about in the August 1 post and also the August 8 post.
I’m only beginning to realize how their seemingly small missteps contributed to my lack of self-esteem, my sister’s fear of abandonment, and my brother’s long-buried resentment. We’ve discussed (and laughed about) things that happened in the past. However, I now realize that these small actions and inactions stealthily eroded our sense of self. Not in huge ways, but enough to have a damaging effect.
The good news is that I understand my parents (whom I love dearly) much better than I used to. They learned what they lived, and their misconceptions about child-rearing were unintentional. They didn’t know better based on their own childhoods.
When adults misunderstand a child’s intentions/behavior and react inappropriately, the child will likely respond in negative ways:1
Believes their feelings are bad
Shuts down completely
Behaves poorly to get attention
Has trouble making connections with their peers
Has trouble asking for help
Complains of physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, etc.
If they consistently misinterpret the child’s conduct, that youngster will grow up fearful, bewildered, insecure, and lacking self-esteem.
Below are 10 ways that adults misunderstand children:2
We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.
We ask an infant to keep quiet. We ask a 2-year-old to sit still. We ask a 3-year-old to clean his room. In all of these situations, we are being unrealistic. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting up the child for repeated failures to please us.
We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.
A child can only do what he can do. If he cannot do something we ask, it is unfair and unrealistic to expect or demand more, and anger only makes things worse.
We mistrust the child's motives. If a child cannot meet our needs, we assume that he is being defiant instead of looking closely at the situation from the child's point of view so that we can determine the truth of the matter.
We don't allow children to be children.
We somehow forget what it was like to be a child ourselves and expect the child to act like an adult instead of acting his age. A healthy child will be rambunctious, noisy, emotionally expressive, and will have a short attention span.
We get it backward.
We expect and demand that the child meet our needs - for quiet, for uninterrupted sleep, for obedience to our wishes, and so on. Instead of accepting our parental role to meet the child's needs, we expect the child to care for ours.
We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake.
Children have had very little experience in life, and they will inevitably make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning at any age. Instead of understanding and helping the child, we blame him, as though he should be able to learn everything perfectly the first time.
We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child.
Many parents are coming to understand that physically hurting a child is wrong and harmful, yet many of us forget how painful angry words, insults, and blame can be to a child who can only believe that he is at fault.
We forget how healing, loving actions can be.
We fall into vicious cycles of blame and misbehavior instead of stopping to give the child love, reassurance, self-esteem, and security with hugs and kind words.
We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child.
It is truly "not what we say but what we do" that the child takes to heart. A parent who hits a child for hitting (or some other offense), telling him that it is wrong, is, in fact, teaching that hitting is right, at least for those in power.
We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.
When a child's behavior disappoints us, we should, more than anything else we do, "assume the best.” We should always assume that the child means well and is behaving as well as possible considering all the circumstances (whether obvious or unknown to us), together with his level of experience in life.
I’ve failed my own kids on many occasions by being impatient, not paying attention when I should have, not listening closely, and a multitude of others. However, I was consistent with saying “I love you” and supporting them in all ways. Despite living with a verbally abusive alcoholic father, they turned out quite well. I attribute this to my own efforts and those of a loving, supportive extended family.
It took a village, and not everyone is lucky enough to have one. I did and am incredibly grateful and fortunate. It made all the difference.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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So true...I agree that most parents do the best they can, based on their own experiences, in the era they live in. However, communication is a tricky thing. I'm learning that misinterpreting a child's behavior and then using drastic discipline measures like screaming, hitting, and/or ignoring them is damaging (even if it's done only occasionally or unintentionally.)
When children behave badly, or what we perceive as badly, it's important to clarify why. I wish I'd considered this more with my own children. If it's not fear, hunger, or some valid reason, then they need to be held accountable, but in a less antagonistic manner. I took away privileges: TV, computer, dessert, etc. (depending on their age) and I explained my actions. On my worst days I yelled.
I detest bullying and have to wonder how many of them emulate what they learned growing up. Schoolyard bullies grow up to be adult bullies. It's a societal problem for sure with no easy answers. Thanks for your always insightful feedback!
I think I was raised by parents of their time. They did what was the norm. There's no doubt they loved me to their souls and back. But times were different, societal expectations were different and I will never judge Mum and Dad for what they did.
Then came my time as a parent. Again, things had changed. Compared to the way I was raised, my kids were raised in a more relaxed fashion. But society with its school bullying and inability to deal with bullies was waiting and I will never forgive the schools my children attended for the total lack of pastoral care.
Now my son has a son of his own and I can see child-rearing has changed again. Society is crueller, more dangerous, and my son and daughter in law have to try and gently raise a child to be strong, positive and content in what appears to be a morally redundant world.
What I am saying is that every thinking generation does the best it can. There will always be those who don't give a damn if their kids fall off a precipice but as long as each generation wraps kids in its arms and loves them, giving them the best foundation they can, then hopefully that's okay.